Firefly / Serenity Quotes

Firefly quotes




Episode 1: Serenity (1) & (2)

Mal: “We’re not gonna die. We can’t die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so…very…pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die.”

Wash: “Everything looks good from here… (beat…playing with plastic dinosaurs over his console) Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will thrive.”

(as Stegosaurus) “We will rule over all this land, and we will call it… ‘This Land’.” (as T-Rex) “I think we should call it…your grave!”

(Stegosaurus) “Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!”

(T-Rex) “Ha ha HA! Mine is an evil laugh…now die!”

Mal: “I don’t believe there’s a power in the ‘verse that can stop Kaylee from being cheerful.” (he smiles at her, never stopping working) “Sometimes you just wanna duct tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month.”

Jayne: “Ten percent of nuthin’ is…let me do the math here…nuthin’ into nuthin’…carry the nuthin’…”

Mal: “If anyone gets nosy, just…you know… shoot ’em. ”
Zoe: “Shoot ’em?”
Mal: “Politely.”

Book: “I brought you some supper but if you’d prefer a lecture, I’ve a few very catchy ones prepped…sin and hellfire… one has lepers.”

Jayne: “Testing, testing. Captain, can you hear me?”
Mal: “I’m standing right here.”
Jayne: “You’re coming through good and loud.”
Mal: ” ‘Cause I’m standing right here.”

Mal: “Well, you were right about this being a bad idea.” Zoe: “Thanks for sayin’, sir.”



Episode 3: The Train Job

Mal: “I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you.” (Zoe punches the thug out) “Drunks are so cute.”

Mal: (into com) “Wash, we’ve got some local color happening. Your grand entrance would not go amiss right now.”

(Zoe, Mal, and Jayne are backed up against the edge of a cliff by a bunch of drunken brawlers)
Mal: “There’s just an acre of you fellas, ain’t there?” (to Zoe) “This is why we lost, you know. Superior numbers.”
Zoe: “Thanks for the re-enactment, sir.”

Mal: “Well they tell you: never hit a man with a closed fist. But it is, on occasion, hilarious.”

Mal: “Well, what about you, Shepherd? How come you’re flying about with us brigands? I mean, shouldn’t you be off bringing religiosity to the Fuzzie-Wuzzies or some such?”
Book: “Oh, I got heathens aplenty right here.”
Mal: “If I’m your mission, Shepherd, best give it up. You’re welcome on my boat. God ain’t.”

Inara: (pissed) “What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?”
Mal: “That it was manly and impulsive?”
Inara: “Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was ‘don’t’.”

Mal: “And Kaylee, what the hell’s goin’ on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?”

Jayne: “Time for some thrilling heroics.”

Jayne: “These are stone killers, little man. They ain’t cuddly like me.”

Jayne: “Do you know what the chain of command is here? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with to show you who’s in command.”


Episode 4: Bushwhacked

Zoe: “Proximity alert. Must be coming up on something.”
Wash: (alarmed) “Oh my god. What can it be? We’re all doomed! Who’s flying this thing!?” (deadpan) “Oh right, that would be me. Back to work.”

Mal: “It’s a real burn, being right so often.”

Kaylee: “Looks like they’ve jerry-rigged it with a pressure catch. It’s the only thing that’d work with all these spare parts. We could probably bypass that easy, we get to the DC line.”
Mal: “You tell me right now, little Kaylee, you really think you can do this?”
Kaylee: “Sure. Yeah. I think so. ‘Sides, if I mess up, not like you’ll be able to yell at me.”

Alliance Commander: “You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war?”
Zoe: “Fought with a lot of people in the war.”
Alliance Commander: “And your husband?”
Zoe: “Fight with him sometimes, too.”

Alliance Commander: “Seems odd you’d name your ship after a battle you were on the wrong side of.”
Mal: “May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.”

Jayne: “You saved his gorram life, he still takes the cargo. Hwoon dahn.” [Hwoon dahn = “jerk”]
Mal: “He had to…. Couldn’t let us profit. Wouldn’t be civilized.”



Episode 5: Shindig

Wash: (Off an alarm sounding from the console) “Closing in.”
Zoe: “Planet’s coming up a mite fast.”
Wash: “That’s just cause I’m going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.”
Mal: “Well, that happens, let me know.”

Kaylee: (pointing to a pink frilly dress) “Say, look at the fluffy one!”
Zoe: “Too much foofaraw. If I’m going to wear a dress, I’d want something with some slink.”
Wash: “You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?”
Jayne: “I’ll chip in.”
Zoe: (to Jayne) “I can hurt you.”

Mal: “Does, uh… does this seem kind of tight?”
Kaylee: “Shows off your backside. Did you see the chandelier? It’s hovering.”

Kaylee: “These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I– how ’bout that!”
Mal: “Yeah, well, just be careful. We cheated Badger out of good money to buy that frippery, and you’re supposed to make me look respectable.”
Kaylee: “Yessir, Captain Tight Pants.”

Mal: “Okay, help me find our man; he’s supposed to be older. Kind of stocky, wears a red sash crossways.”
Kaylee: “Why does he do that?”
Mal: “Maybe he won the Miss Persephone pageant. Just help me look.”

Harrow: “I know him. And I think he’s a psychotic lowlife.”
Mal: “And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic lowlife community.”

Inara: “Attack.” (Mal lunges at her with sword; she sidesteps and swats him on the butt; he grunts in pain) “How did I avoid that?”
Mal: “By being fast like a freak?”

Harrow: “You have to finish it, lad. You have to finish it. For a man to lay beaten… and yet breathing? It makes him a coward.”
Inara: “It’s humiliation.”
Mal: “Sure. It would be humiliating. Having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man. (lightly stabs Atherton with the sword) Guess I’m just a good man. (stabs him again) Well, I’m all right.”

Harrow: “You didn’t have to wound the man.”
Mal: “Yeah, I know, it was just funny.”

Inara: “Thank you for the wine. It’s very… fresh.”
Mal: “To Kaylee, and her inter-engine fermentation system.”

Inara: “Are you in pain?”
Mal: “Absolutely. I got stabbed, you know. Right here.”
Inara: “I saw.”
Mal: “Don’t care much for fancy parties. Too rough.”
Inara: “It wasn’t entirely a disaster.”
Mal: “I got stabbed! Right here!”

Episode 6: Safe

Mal: “So, she’s added cussing and hurling about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy.”
Simon: “It’s just a bad day.”
Mal: “No, a bad day is when someone’s yellin’ spooks the cattle. Understand? You ever see cattle stampede when they got no place to run? It’s kind of like a…a meat grinder. And it’ll lose us half the herd.”
Simon: “She hasn’t gone anywhere near the cattle.”
Mal: “No, but in case you hadn’t noticed, her voice kinda carries. We’re two miles above ground and they can probably hear her down there. Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed.” (to River) “Although I would take it as a kindness if she didn’t.”
River: “The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.”
Mal: (to Simon) “See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like.”

Book: “That bad?”
Zoe: “Battle wounds are nothing new to me, preacher. I’ve seen men live with a dozen holes in ’em this size.”
Book: “That right?”
Zoe: “Surely is. Knew a man once who had a hole clean through his whole shoulder. Used to keep a spare hankie in there.”

Jayne: (mock reading Simon’s journal) “Dear Diary…today I was pompous and my sister was crazy.” (flips page) “Today, we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever.”

Kaylee: “Well, we’re headed for help… right?”
Zoe: “Captain will come up with a plan.”
Kaylee: “That’s good. Right?”
Zoe: “Possibly you’re not recalling some of his previous plans.”

Zoe: “You sanguine about the kind of reception we’re apt to receive on an Alliance ship, Cap’n?”
Mal: “Absolutely.” (beat) “What’s ‘sanguine’ mean?”
Zoe: ” ‘Sanguine’. Hopeful. Plus — point of interest — it also means ‘bloody’.”
Mal: “Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don’t it?”

Book: “I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God.”
Mal: “No, they don’t. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged.”

Mal: “Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time. Whaddya suppose that makes us?”
Zoe: “Big damn heroes, sir.”
Mal: “Ain’t we just!”

Mal: “Y’all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? Now I’m not saying you weren’t easy to find but it was kinda out of our way, and he didn’t want to come in the first place. Man’s lookin’ to kill some folk. So really, it’s his will y’all should worry about thwarting.” (to Simon) “Gotta say, doctor, your talent for alienatin’ folk is near miraculous.”
Simon: “Yes, I’m very proud.”

Mal: “Cut her down.”
Villager: “The girl is a witch.”
Mal: “Yeah, but she’s our witch-” (cocks gun, points it at him) “-so cut her the hell down.”

Simon: “So finally…a decent wound on this ship, and I miss out. I’m sorry.”
Mal: “Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens.”


Episode 7: Our Mrs. Reynolds

Bandit #1: “And I think maybe you’re gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the missus.”
(Husband) Jayne: “Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature.”
(Wife) Mal: “How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?”
(Husband) Jayne: “If I could make you purtier, I would.”
(Wife) Mal: “You are not the man I met a year ago.” (they suddenly draw their guns on the bandits, Mal slowly pulling his bonnet off)
Mal: “Now think real hard. You been bird-dogging this township a while now. They wouldn’t mind a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet: I will end you.”

Inara: “So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn’t in the dress?”
Mal: “Tactics, woman! Needed her in the back. ‘Sides, them soft cotton dresses feel kind of nice. There’s a whole airflow.”
Inara: “And you would know that because…?”
Mal: “You can’t open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I’m a mystery.”
Inara: “Best keep it that way. I withdraw the question.”

Mal: “Zoe, would you get Wash?”
Zoe: “This is Zoe. We need all personnel in the cargo bay.”
Mal: “‘All?’ I said Wash.”
Zoe: “Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss.”
Mal: “There’s no bliss. I don’t know this girl!”
Jayne: “Then can I know her?”
Zoe: “Jayne, don’t sully this!”
Mal: “You are going to be cleaning out latrines with your face if you don’t cut that out.”

Book: “If you take sexual advantage of her, you’re going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.”

Mal: “I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume I’m an evil, lecherous hump.”
Zoe: “No one’s saying that, sir.”
Wash: “Yeah, we’re pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly.”

Mal: “Are you offering me a trade?”
Jayne: “A trade!? Hell, it’s theft! This is the best damn gun made by man. It has extreme sentimental value. It’s miles more worthy than what you got.”
Mal: “What I got? She has a name.”
Jayne: “So does this!” (caresses the gun lovingly) “I call it Vera.”
Mal: “Well, my days of taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.”

Jayne: “See, Vera? Dress yourself up you get taken out somewhere fun.”

Saffron: “You gonna kill me?”
Mal: “Can you conjure up a terribly compelling reason for me not to?”
Saffron: “I didn’t kill you.”
Mal: “You handed me and my crew over to those that would kill us. That buys you nothing.”
Saffron: (smiles) “I made you dinner.”


Episode 8: Jaynestown

Mal: “You wanna tell me how come there’s a statue of you here, looking at me like I owe him something?”
Jayne: “Wishin’ I could, Captain.”
Mal: “No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me–?”
Jayne: “Look, Mal, I got no ruttin’ idea. I was here a few years back, like I said. Pulled a second-story, stole a lot of scratch from the magistrate up on the hill. But things went way south. I had to hightail it. They don’t…put you on a pedestal in town square for that.”
Mal: “Yeah, but I’m looking at some fair compelling evidence says they do.”
Simon: (staring at the statue) “This must be what going mad feels like.”
Jayne: “Uh, hey, I got a idea. Instead of us hanging around playing art critic ’til I get pinched by the man, how’s about we move away from this eerie-ass piece of work, and get on with our increasingly eerie-ass day. How’s that?”

Book: “What are we up to, sweetheart?”
River: “Fixing your Bible.”
Book: “I, um…(alarmed)…what?”
River: “Bible’s broken. Contradictions, false logistics – doesn’t make sense.” (she’s marked up the bible, crossed out passages)
Book: “No, no. You – you can’t…
River: “So we’ll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God’s creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah’s ark is a problem.”
Book: “Really?”
River: “We’ll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat.” (rips out page)

Mal: “So, that’s where the little ‘Jayne Day Celebration’ we got planned comes in. Should give us enough time to get the goods back onto Serenity.”
Jayne: “I don’t know. You think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks?”
Mal: “You better laugh when you say that.”
Jayne: “No really, Mal, I mean, maybe there’s something to this. The Mudders? I think I really made a difference in their lives. You know — me, Jayne Cobb.”
Mal: “I know your name, jackass.”

Episode 9: Out of Gas

Zoe: “You paid money for this, sir? On purpose?”
Mal: “What? Come on, seriously, Zoe. Whaddya think?”
Zoe: “Honestly, sir? I think you got robbed.”
Mal: “Robbed? What? No. What do you mean?”
Zoe: “It’s a piece of fei-oo.” [fei-oo. = junk]
Mal: “Fei-oo? Okay, she won’t be winning any beauty contests anytime soon. But she’s solid. Ship like this, be with ya ’til the day you die.”
Zoe: “Cause it’s a deathtrap.”

Mal: “Which one do you figured tracked us?”
Zoe: “The ugly one, sir.”
Mal: (beat) “Could you be more specific?”

Mal: “Looks can be deceiving.”
Jayne: “Not as deceiving as a lowdown, dirty… deceiver.”
Mal: “Well said. Wasn’t that well said, Zoe?”
Zoe: “Had a kind of poetry to it, sir.”

Mal: “I mean, let’s say you did kill us… or didn’t. There could be torture – whatever – but somehow, you found the goods. What would your cut be?”
Jayne: “Seven percent, straight off the top.”
Mal: “Seven? Oh.”
Jayne: “What?”
Mal: “Hm? Nothing. Not a thing. No, I just… (to Zoe) does that seem low to you?”
Zoe: “It does, sir.”
Jayne: “That ain’t low.”
Head Robber: “Stop it!”
Jayne: “Seven percent, standard.”
Mal: (laughs) “Okay. Zoe, I’m paying you too much.”


Episode 10: Ariel

Jayne: (remarking on the unappetizing meal Simon’s made for himself) “Smells like crotch.”

Wash: “You know, it’s all very sweet, stealing from the rich, selling to the poor…”

Kaylee: “Figures. First time on the Core and what do I get to do? Dig through trash.”

Mal: “Patients were cynical and not responding and we couldn’t bring ’em back-“
Simon: “They were cyanotic and not responsive.”

Simon: (to Jayne) “What about cortical electrodes?”
Jayne: “Oh…” (obviously doesn’t know the answer) “We forgot ’em.”

Mal: “Pupils were fixed and dilapidated-“
Simon: “Dialated-“
Mal: “Dialated! Dialated! Ching-wao tsao duh liou mahng!” [Ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng = Frog-humping sonofabitch]

Mal: “Now all we need is a coupla patients.”
Simon: “Corpses, actually. For this plan to work, River and I will have to be dead.”
Jayne: (smiling) “I’m starting to like this plan.”

Mal: “Two lefts, two rights, and we’re there. You see anyone, smile.”
Zoe: “I don’t think anyone smiles in hospitals.”
Mal: “Course they do, it’s the Core. Everyone’s rich and happy here, why wouldn’t they smile?”

Pompous Doctor: “Walk with me a minute.”
Mal: “Where’re we going?” (Zoe sneaks away, around and behind the doctor)
Pompous Doctor: “You see this badge? It says ‘doctor’. I say walk, you walk.”
Mal: “Yeah but, where’re we going?”
Pompous Doctor: “You must be new.” (Zoe walks up behind him) “Don’t get comfortable, your type never lasts long around here. When your supervisor hears about the rude and disrespect–ARGH!!!” (falls to the ground, unconscious, revealing Zoe standing behind him with defib paddles)
Zoe: (shrugs) “Clear.”

River: (cryptically to Jayne) “Your toes are in the sand.”
Jayne: “And your head’s up your-“
Simon: “Hey! Back off!”

Zoe: “Can we find someplace with a beach?”
Wash: (grinning and skipping to her) “Maybe a naked beach?” (they kiss)
Mal: “Cut it out. Job’s not done ’til we’re back on Serenity.”
Zoe: “Sorry, sir, didn’t mean to enjoy the moment.”

River: (cryptically to Jayne) “They took Christmas away.”
Jayne: (confused) “What the hell now?”
River: “Came downstairs for the shiny presents…they took the tree, and the stockings…nothing left but coal.”
Jayne: (to Simon) “Would you shut her up?”
River: (to Jayne) “Don’t look in the closet, either — it’s greedy.” (smiles) “It’s not in the spirit of the holiday.”
Jayne: “You shut the hell up right now or so help me, I’ll shut you up.”

Kaylee: “Hey there, Inara! How was your checkup?”
Inara: “Same as last year. What’s going on?”
Kaylee: (cheerfully) “Oh well let’s see…we killed Simon and River, stole a bunch of medicine, and the Cap’n and Zoe are springin’ the others got snatched by the feds.”

Mal: “Hey! How was your thing?”
Inara: “As advertised — lots of needles and cold exam tables. I heard you had some excitement.”
Mal: “Oh, nothin’ much — lotsa runnin’ round, little gunplay…couple needles.”

Simon: “He was amazing! (to Jayne) “We wouldn’t be standing here if it weren’t for you.”
Jayne: “Well, uh…you’re part of my crew.”
Mal: (sarcastic) “I think I might cry.”


Episode 11: War Stories

Book: “Yes, I’d forgotten you’re moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned?”
Simon: “No. But I’m thinking about growing a big black mustache. I’m a traditionalist.”

Mal: “Ah, the pitter patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots.” (to Kaylee and River) “Shut up!”

Wash: “And then came the lying to me about it, which for me is sort of the highlight of this little adventure.”
Zoe: “Is there any way I’m gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?”
Wash: “You’re pretty much down to ritual suicide, lambie-toes.”

Wash: “Didn’t want you taking off without me. In fact, didn’t want you taking off at all. Thought I might take this run instead. Me and the Captain.”
Mal: “The Captain who’s standing right here telling you that’s not gonna happen?”
Wash: “Well, it’s a dangerous mission, sir. I can’t stand the thought of something happening that might cause you two to come back with another thrilling tale of bonding and adventure. I just can’t take that right now.”
Mal: “Okay, um, I’m lost. Uh, I’m angry, and I’m armed, so if you two have something that you need to work out –“

Wash: (to a departing Zoe) “Bye, hon! We promise not to stop for beers with the fellas!” (sits down, starts the engines, then to Mal) “So, are we gonna sing army songs or something?”

Wash: “Hey, I’ve been in a firefight before! Well, I was in a fire.” (beat) “Actually, I was fired from a fry-cook opportunity.”

Wash: “I don’t want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what’s happening, then you tell me. You wouldn’t spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting and possibly scheming. So whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna do. Do you know why? No matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back with the stories. So… I’m Zoe. Now, what do I do?”
Mal: “Probably not talk quite so much.”
Wash: “Right. Less talking. She’s terse. I can be terse. Once in flight school, I was laconic.”

Wash: “I mean, I’m the one she swore to love, honor and obey.”
Mal: “Listen…” (beat) “She swore to obey?”
Wash: “Well, no, not… But that’s just my point! You she obeys! She obeys you! There’s obeying going on right under my nose!”

Zoe: “Preacher, don’t the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?
Book: “Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.”


Episode 12: Trash


Monty: “Damn you, Bridget! Damn you ta Hades! You broke my heart in a million pieces! You made me love you, and then y– I SHAVED MY BEARD FOR YOU, DEVIL WOMAN!”

Mal: “Woman, you are completely off your nut.”

Jayne: “Woah there, Cap’n…tell me you didn’t get into a fight with Monty.”
Kaylee: “Really? But I thought we loved Monty!” (to Zoe, uncertain) “Don’t we love Monty?”
Zoe: “Sweetie, if he had a tussle with that sasquatch, we’d be in the dirt right about now, scoopin’ up the Captain’s teeth.”

Mal: “Well this is one of the crazier things I’ve heard today and when I tell you about the rest of my day, you’ll appreciate…”

Mal: “Hey, no, we’ll just set course for Planet of the Lonely, Rich, and Appropriately Hygienic Man. I’ll just tell Wash, we can park there for a month.”

Inara: “Right. You’re a criminal mastermind. What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?”
Mal: “We made a perfectly good piece-“
Inara: “What was the cargo?”
Mal: “They were dolls.”
Inara: “They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled!”

Mal: “Petty?”
Inara: “I didn’t mean petty.”
Mal: “What did you mean?”
Inara: “Suo-shee?”
Mal: “That’s Chinese for petty.”

Jayne: “Captain says you’re to stay put. Doesn’t want you runnin’ afoul of his blushin’ psychotic bride. She figures out who you are, she’ll turn you in ‘fore you can say… ‘don’t turn me in, lady’.”

River: (looking at Jayne) “She’s a liar.”
Jayne: “That don’t exactly set her apart from the rest of us. And the plunder sounds fun enough.”
River: “She’s a liar and no good will come of her.”
Jayne: “Well, I say as a rule that girlfolk ain’t to be trusted.”
River: “Jayne is a girl’s name.”

Jayne: “She starts on that ‘girl’s name’ thing, I’m gonna show her good an’ all I got man parts.”
Simon: “I’m trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. It’s just not coming.”

River: “Also? I can kill you with my brain.”

Saffron: “He’s my husband.”
Mal: “Well who in the damn galaxy ain’t?”

Mal: “I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we gotta move.”

Saffron: “I should’ve killed Durran.”
Mal: “Right. The one guy that don’t have it coming. The man who knows you and still loves you, treachery and all. Can’t have him walking about.”

Saffron: “You won’t tell anyone about me breaking down?
Mal: “I won’t.”
Saffron: “Then I won’t tell anyone how easily I got your gun out of your holster.”
Mal: “I’d take that as a kindness.”


Episode 13: The Message


Wash: “Oh my god, it’s grotesque! Oh, and there’s something in a jar.”

Zoe: “Scared her away again, did you?”
Simon: “This may come as a shock, but I’m actually not very good at talking to girls.”
Zoe: “Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?”

Wash: (to a jar with a cow fetus, mock-serious) “Do not fear me. Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony…”

River: (trying to eat an ‘ice-planet’) “My food is problematic.”

Jayne: “I got post?”
Book: “Might we all want to step back a few paces before he opens that?”
Jayne: “Ha ha. It’s from my mother.”

Jayne: (wearing ugly homemade hat) “How’s it sit? Pretty cunning, don’tchya think?”
Kaylee: “I think it’s the sweetest hat ever.”
Book: “Makes a statement.”
Jayne: “Yeah, yeah!”
Wash: “A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he’s not afraid of anything.”
Jayne: “Damn straight.”

Tracey: “Thanks. Didn’t know you were there.”
Zoe: “That’s sort of the point. Stealth, you may have heard of it.”
Tracey: “I don’t think they covered that in basic.”
Zoe: “Well, at least they covered ‘Dropping your weapon so you can eat beans and get yourself shot’.”
Tracey: “Yeah, I got a badge in that.” (seriously) “Won’t happen again.”
Zoe: “It does, I’m just gonna watch.”

Mal: “Oh! That was bracing. They don’t like it when you shoot at them. I worked that out myself.”

Mal: “Vitelli’s out of it. That bumblebee laid down arms at the first sign of inevitable crushing defeat, can you imagine such a cowardly creature?”

Jayne: “We’re taking him on board?”
Mal: “We are.”
Jayne: “Don’t figure the percentage in that.”
Mal: “Don’t strain your brain trying, then. Might break something.”


Episode 14: Heart of Gold


Mal: “You know, it ain’t altogether wise, sneaking up on a man when he’s handling his weapon.”
Inara: “I’m sure I’ve heard that said. But perhaps the dining area isn’t the place for this sort of thing?”
Mal: “What do you mean? Only place with a table big enough.”
Inara: “Of course. In that case…” (rearranges guns) “Every well-bred petty crook knows — the small concealable weapons always go to the far left of the place setting.”

Mal: “This distress call wouldn’t be taking place in someone’s pants, would it?”
Inara: “It sounds like the sort of thing this crew can handle. I can’t guarantee they’ll handle it particularly well, but-“
Nandi: “If they got guns, and brains at all…”
Inara: “They have guns.”

Zoe: “No one’s gonna force you to go, Jayne. As has been stated — this job’s strictly speculative.”
Jayne: “Good. ‘Cause I don’t know these folks, don’t much care to.”
Mal: “They’re whores.”
Jayne: “I’m in.”

Mal: “Any friend of Inara’s is a strictly business-like relationship of mine.”

Jayne: (calls out from across the room) “Can I start gettin’ sexed already?”
Mal: “Well, that’s one kind of horrific.”

Kaylee: “Everybody’s got somebody…” (wistfully) “Wash, tell me I’m pretty…”
Wash: “Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.”
Kaylee: ” ‘Cause I’m pretty?”
Wash: ” ‘Cause you’re pretty.”
Kaylee: “Thank you. That was very restorative.”

Mal: “Inara, think you could stoop to being on my arm?”
Inara: “Will you wash it first?”

Mal: “Well, lady I must say…” (admiring smile) “…you’re my kinda stupid.”

Kaylee: “Captain seem a little funny to you at breakfast this morning?”
Wash: “Come on, Kaylee. We all know I’m the funny one.”


Episode 15: Objects in Space


Mal: “When I want a lot of medical jargon, I’ll talk to a doctor.
Simon: “You are talking to a doctor.”
Mal: “Yeah, okay, my point is could’ve been you she might have shot just then. The doctor, as you just made note of. And who exactly could fix you? Not nobody. We’re deep in space, corner of No and Where. You take extra care with her…’cause we’re very much alone out here.”

Wash: “Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What’ll she do next?”
Zoe: “Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It’s a toss-up.”
Wash: “I hope she does the soup thing. It’s always a hoot, and we don’t all die from it.”

Mal: “But she does have an oddness to her. And I ain’t just talking about her proficiency with firearms. Girl knows things. Things she shouldn’t. Things she couldn’t.”
Jayne: “Wha-…are you-are you sayin’ she’s a witch?”
Wash: (sarcastically) “Yes, Jayne. She’s a witch. She has had congress with the beast.”
Jayne: “She’s in Congress?”
Wash: (amazed) “How did your brain even learn human speech? I’m just so curious.”

Wash: “Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction.”
Zoe: “We live in a space ship, dear.”

Early: “You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget, this girl is the smallest cargo I’ve ever had to transport. Yet by far the most troublesome. Does that seem right to you?”
Simon: “What’d he do?”
Early: “Who?”
Simon: “The midget.”
Early: “Arson. Little man loved fire.”



IPB Image


MOVIE: Serenity



Mal: “What was that?”
Wash: “Did you see that?”
Mal: “Was that the primary buffer panel?”
Wash: “Did seem to resem-“
Mal: “Did the primary buffer panel just fall off my gorram ship for no apparent reason?!”

Wash: “Yeah well, if she doesn’t give us some extra flow from the engine room to offset the burn through, this landing is gonna get pretty interesting.”
Mal: “Define interesting.”
Wash: “Oh god oh god we’re all gonna die?”
Mal: “This is the captain. We have a…little problem with our engine sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then…explode.”

Mal: “Yeah well, just get us on the ground.”
Wash: “That part will happen pretty definitely.”

Jayne: “We’re gonna explode? I don’t wanna explode.”
Mal: “Jayne, how many weapons you plannin’ on takin’? You only got the two arms.”
Jayne: “Well I just excitable as to choice, like to have my options open.”
Mal: “I don’t plan on any shooting taking place during this job.”
Jayne: “Yeah well, what you plan and what takes place ain’t ever exactly been similar.”

Zoe: “Those grenades?”
Jayne: “Yeah, Cap’n don’t want ’em.”
Zoe: “Jayne, we’re robbing the place, we’re not occupying ’em.”

Mal: (ship shakes violently) “Kaylee, what in the spincter o’ hell you playing at?”

Mal: “Fear’s nothin’ to be ashamed of, doctor.”
Simon: “This isn’t fear. This is anger.”
Mal: “Well. Kinda hard to tell one from t’other, face like yours.”
Simon: “Well I imagine if it were fear, my eyes would be wider.”
Mal: “Hmm. I’ll keep a look out for that next time.”

Mal: “I look out for me and mine. That don’t include you ‘less I conjure it does. Now you stuck a thorn in the Alliance’s paw — that tickles me a bit. But it also means I gotta step twice as fast to avoid ’em, and that means turnin’ down plenty of jobs. Even honest ones. Put this crew together with the promise of work, which the Alliance makes harder every year. Come a day there won’t be room for naughty men like us to slip about at all. This job goes south, there well not be another. So here’s us, on the raggedy edge.”

Mal: “Hey little one. Understand your part in all this?”
River: “Do you?”
Mal: “This is what I do, darlin’. This is what I do.”

Mal: “Quit fiddlin’. Have the boat run smooth when we get back.”
Kaylee: “Have faith, Cap’n.”
Mal: “Not today.”

Simon: “Now River, stay behind the others. If there’s fighting, you drop to the floor and run away.” (stage whispers) “It’s okay to leave them to die.”

Mal: “Doctor, I’m taking your sister under my protection here. If anything happens to her, anything at all, I swear to you, I will get very choked up. Honestly, there could be tears.”

Jayne: “Shiny. Let’s be bad guys.”

Mal: “Y’all want to be lookin’ very intently at your own bellybuttons. See a head start to rise, violence is going to ensue. Probably guessed we mean to be thievin’ here but what we’re after’s not yours, so…let not have no undue fuss.”

Zoe: (sliding gun barrel alongside security guard’s face) “You know what the definition of a hero is? Someone who gets other people killed. You can look it up later.”

Zoe: (on mostly empty safe) “At last. We can retire and give up this life of crime.”

Mal: (to unseen guard in vault below) “Listen up! We’re comin’ down to empty that vault.”
Guard: “You have to give me your authorization password.” (Jayne points gun down the the stairwell and fires several rounds) “Okay.”

Mal: (negotiating with guard where to shoot him) “The leg is good. It’ll bleed plenty and we avoid any necessary organs.”
Guard: “I was thinking more of a graze?”
Mal: “Well you don’t want to look like you just gave up.”

Mal: (on Reaver ship coming up behind) “Faster! Faster! Faster would be better!”
Jayne: “You shoot me if they take me!” (sees Mal’s gun pointed at his leg) “Well don’t shoot me first!”

Simon: “River!”
River: “I swallowed a bug.”

Kaylee: (pushes aside severely injured Jayne, to Simon) “Are you okay?!”
Mal: (offended) “Is he okay?”

Simon: “Oh ‘one simple job, she’ll be fine’!”
Mal: “She is fine! ‘Cept for still bein’ crazy she’s the picture of health!”

Mal: “Mule won’t run with five. I shoulda dumped the girl, or you, or Jayne? Well, Jayne…”

Zoe: “Sir, I don’t disagree on any particular point. It’s just…in a time of war, we would’ve never left a man stranded.”
Mal: “Maybe that’s why we lost.”

Jayne: “I’ll kill a man in a fair fight. Or if I think he’s gonna start a fair fight. Or if he bothers me. Or if there’s a woman. Or if I’m gettin’ paid. Mostly when I’m gettin’ paid.”

Jayne: “Eating people alive? Where’s that get fun?”

Kaylee: (clearly upset) “Don’t talk to the barkers, talk to the captains. Look the captain in the eye, know who you’re dealin’ with.”
Simon: “I wish there was-” (Mal brushes past, glares)
Kaylee: “Shouldna be so clean. It’s a dead giveaway you don’t belong, you always gotta be tidy. Don’t pay anybody in advance. And don’t ride in anything with a Capasan-38 engine, they fall right outta the sky.”

Mal: “Kaylee, this is a place of business. We can talk about Simon-“
Kaylee: “When he’s four worlds away? Or the Alliance gets ahold of him and River?”
Mal: “That ain’t my worry. I gotta finish this job, get us another one. Can’t do that carryin’ those two.”
Kaylee: “How can you be so cold?”
Zoe: “Cap’n didn’t make them fugitives.”
Kaylee: “But he coulda made ’em family. ‘stead of keepin’ Simon from seein’ I was there. And I carried such a torch! And we coulda…goin’ on a year now and I ain’t had nothin’ twixt my nethers weren’t run on batteries!”
Mal: (horrified) “Oh God! I can’t know that!”
Jayne: “I could stand to hear more.”

Mal: “Fanti. Mingo.”
Mingo: “He’s Mingo”
Mal: “He’s Fanti, you’re Mingo.”
Mingo: “How is it you always know?”
Mal: “Fanti’s prettier.”

Wash: “Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a ninety-pound girl, ’cause I don’t think that’s ever gettin’ old.”

Simon: “It’s a phrase, that makes her fall asleep. If I speak the words ‘eta chora-“
Jayne: (jumps out of his chair) “Don’t say it!”
Zoe: “It only works on her, Jayne.”
Jayne: “Well now I know that.”

Jayne: “No, not now that she’s a…a killer woman, we oughtta be bringin’ her tea and dumplings!”

Mal: “It’s of interest to me, how much you seem to know about that world.”
Book: “Wasn’t born a Shepherd, Mal.”
Mal: “You’ll have to tell me about that sometime.”
Book: “No. I don’t.”

Wash: “Inara…nice to see her again.”
Zoe: (beat) “So…trap?”
Mal: “Trap.”
Zoe: “We goin’ in?”
Mal: “Ain’t but a few hours out.”
Wash: (confused) “Yeah, but…remember the part where it’s a trap?”
Mal: “If that’s the case then Inara’s already caught in it. She wouldn’t set us up willin’. Might be we get a shot at seein’ who’s turnin’ these wheels. We go in.”
Kaylee: “But how can you be sure Inara don’t just wanna see you? Sometimes people have feelings. I’m referring here to people.”
Mal: “Y’all were watchin’, I take it?”
Kaylee: (everyone looks guilty) “Yes.”
Mal: “Did you see us fight?”
Kaylee: “No.”
Mal: “Trap.”

Mal: “Zoe, ship is yours. Remember: if anything happens to me, if you don’t hear from me within the hour, you take the ship — and you come and you rescue me.”
Zoe: “What? Risk my ship?”

Mal: (kneeling at altar, in disguise) “Dear Buddha: please bring me a pony, and a plastic rocket-”
Inara: “Mal, what are you doing here?!”
Mal: “Well, you invited me.”
Inara: “I never thought for a second you’d be stupid enough to come!”
Mal: “Well that makes you kind of a tease, doesn’t it?”

Operative: “I have to say, Captain: I’m impressed that you would come for her yourself. And that you would make it this far…in that outfit.”

Operative: “I think you’re beginning to understand how dangerous River Tam is.”
Mal: “She is a mite unpredictable. Mood swings, of a sort.”
Operative: “It’s worse than you know.”
Mal: “It usually is.”

Operative: “That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship. She is an albatross, Captain.”
Mal: “Way I remember it, albatross was a ship’s good luck, ’til some idiot killed it.” (to Inara) “Yes, I’ve read a poem, try not to faint.”

Operative: “I have a warship in deep orbit, Captain. We locked onto Serenity’s pulse beacon the moment you hit atmo. I can speak a word and send a missile to that exact location inside of three minutes.”
Mal: “You do that,” (pulls out Serenity’s pulse beacon) “you’d best make peace with your dear and fluffy Lord.”

Mal: “I never credited the Alliance with an overabundance of brains, and if you’re the best they’ve got-“
Operative: “Captain Reynolds, I should tell you, so that you don’t waste your time: you can’t make me angry.”
Inara: “Please. Spend an hour with him.”

Inara: “We have every reason to be afraid.”
Jayne: “Why because this guy beat up Mal? That ain’t so hard.”

Inara: “Think maybe it poses some kind of threat to the Alliance?”
Wash: “Do we care? A-Are we caring about that?”

Jayne: “Oh yeah, hidin’ up the Shepherd’s skirts, that’s a manful scheme.”
Mal: “You wanna run this ship?!”
Jayne: “Yes!”
Mal: “Well y-…you can’t!”

Simon: “We’ll get off. River and I will get off at Haven-“
Kaylee: “Nobody’s saying that.”
Wash: “Nobody besides Jayne is saying that.”

Mal: “Shouldn’t’ve been you. Alliance shoulda hit us. Shoulda hit me.”
Book: “That crossed my mind.”

Book: “I killed the ship that…killed us. It’s not very Christian of me.”
Mal: “You did what’s right.”
Book: “Coming from you that means…almost nothing.”

Jayne: “She is starting to damage my calm.”

Mal: “So no more runnin’. I aim to misbehave.”

Jayne: “Shepherd Book used to tell me, ‘Can’t do somethin’ smart, do somethin’ right’.”

Zoe: “It’s a fair bet the Alliance knows about Mr. Universe. They’re gonna see this comin’.”
Mal: “No. They’re not gonna see this comin’.”

Operative: “Target the Reavers…target the Reavers…target everyone…somebody FIRE!”

Wash: “I’m a leaf on the wind…watch how I soar.”
Mal: (watching battle around them in grim satisfaction) “Chickens come home to roost.”
Wash: (flying debris glances off ship’s hull, rattling everyone) “It’s okay…I-I’m a leaf on the wind.”

Jayne: “Cap’n’s right. Can’t be thinkin’ on revenge if we’re gonna get through this.”
Zoe: “Do you really think any of us are gonna get through this?”
Jayne: (looks around, anxious) “Well I might.”

Mr. Universe (via his buffybot): “Mal. Guy killed me, Mal. He killed me with a sword. How weird is that?”

Simon: “My one regret in all of this, is never being with you.”
Kaylee: “With me? You mean to say…sex?”
Simon: “I mean to say.”
Kaylee: “Hell with this…I’m gonna live!”

Mal: (pulling himself up after being shot) “Shot me in the back! Haven’t made you angry, have I?”
Operative: “Do you really believe that?”
Mal: “I do.”
Operative: “You willing to die for that belief?”
Mal: “I am.” (pulls out his gun and shoots at the Operative repeatedly) “Course, that ain’t exactly Plan A.”

Zoe: “How much ammo do we have?”
Jayne: “Three full mags. And my swingin’ cod.”

Operative: “Do you know what your sin is?”
Mal: “Aw hell. I’m a fan of all seven.”

Operative: “You’ve done remarkable things. But you’re fighting a war you’ve already lost.”
Mal: “Yeah well, I’m known for that.”

Mal: “Ain’t all buttons and charts, little albatross. Know what the first rule of flying is? Well I s’pose you do, since you already know what I’m ’bout to say.”
River: “I do. But I like to hear you say it.”
Mal: “Love. Can know all the math in the ‘verse but take a boat in the air that you don’t love? She’ll shake you off just as sure as a turn in the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughtta fall down…tell you she’s hurtin’ ‘fore she keens…makes her a home.”

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