3rd Rock from the Sun Quotes

Season 1

Brains and Eggs

Dick: Can anyone get their head to swivel to the rear? (no) Then how are you suppose to lick your back!?

Dick: I think we’ve underestimated the life on this planet. The people have so much courage. Here they are hurling through space on a molten rock at 67000 miles an hour and the only thing that keeps them from flying out of their shoes is their misplaced faith in gravity.

Dick: Sally, I want you to observe her, find out what women on this planet do.

Sally: Why can’t Harry do it?

Dick: Because you’re the woman.

Sally: That brings up a very good question: why am I the woman?

Dick: Because you lost.

Dick: Oh good you’re here. Did you copy the mainframe from the library?

Tommy: Uh, I got a little distracted.

Dick: Again? What happened?

Tommy: Well, I was watching these women play volleyball. And they were all jumping. Up. And down. Up. And down. With these little shorts, and some of them can’t jump as high as the others, but it’s okay. I mean, it’s more than okay, it’s really okay. I mean–

Dick: What is wrong with you?!

Tommy: I don’t know.

Dick: We can’t leave without that information, so access the net, download, and go straight home as soon as you’re finished.

Tommy: Why are you talking to me like I’m a child?

Dick: You are a child.

Tommy: I’m older than you.

Dick: Well, now I’m bigger. And on this planet size matters.

Sally: Dick, women are trouble. I should know! I’ve been one for two weeks!

Dick: I know, which brings up another point. I command you to shave under your arms.

Sally: Doable. I’m sorry you find me so offensive (tears up)

Dick: Dammit! Pull yourself together, man! We’re going out.

Sally: Ok, give me an hour.

Dick: An hour?

Sally: I got to rotate these (indicating breasts). It’s a party!

Dick: I want very much to feel, and to be felt. And I mean that from the heart of my bottom.

Harry: Women. You can’t live with ’em, and yet they’re everywhere.

Post Nasal Dick

Dick: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. (flips to the back of the book) I’m not going to read 380 pages if he can’t even make up his mind in the first sentence!

Tommy: Sally, you’re amazing. As sick as you are, you keep taking care of us.

Sally: Yeah, I know. I don’t understand. All I want to do is curl up into a ball, and yet somehow I feel compelled to nurture you. God, what a cruel disease!

Minister: We are gathered here, before God….

Dick: Now, which one of those guys is God?

Mary: Will you be quiet?

Dick: Okay, but be sure to introduce me later, because I want some answers.

Dick: Mary, there’s something I have to tell you. I come from another world.

Mary: And this is news?

Dick: You know, you have to admire these humans. Their lives are so fragile, and yet they are willing to commit to each other for a lifetime.

Sally: Or an afternoon with some petri dish in a miniskirt.

Tommy: Hey, hey! At least I’m getting some here, alright?

Dick’s First Birthday

Dick: [reading the Bible] Man, these people begat their brains out!

Dick: Dr. Albright, have I been a perfect ass?

Mary: Aw, nobody’s perfect.

Dick Is From Mars, Sally Is From Venus

Sally: You just can’t imagine what it feels like, Dick. It’s like he reached in… and pulled all the bones out of my body… [starts crying]

Dick: My God, what are you doing?

Sally: [wipes her tears] Apparently I’m leaking!

Dick: Well, stop!

Tommy: [pointing to the stars] I’ve been there and there and there and there…

Harry: Wow. The long, boring stories you must have.

Dick, Smoker

Dick: We suck, we blow — a posse of oral fixators. Let them try and ban smoking, for if they do!.. They’ll just have a bunch of SMOKING OUTLAWS on their hands!

Harry: By the second day I could hear my inner voice, too.

Tommy: What was it saying?

Harry: I have no idea, I don’t speak French.

Green-Eyed Dick

[Sally walks into the men’s locker room]

Man: Hey, it says “men” on the door!

Sally: And you made the cut?

Dick: [to Jeff] You think you’re pretty clever, don’t you? I happen to know that every word in your book was published years ago! Perhaps you’ve read…the dictionary!

Lonely Dick

[Tommy and August meet for the first time]

August: I’m August. Don’t call me “Augy”.

Tommy: I’m Tommy. Don’t call me “Augy” either…

Dick: I’m sure you can defeat a simple door lock.

[Tommy breaks through the window with his hand and unlocks the door]

Dick: What are you doing?! Now this is breaking and entering! It’s illegal!

Tommy: What’d you expect me to do? Beam you in?

Body & Soul & Dick

Harry: (holding the remote) This is the second most exciting thing I have ever held in my hand.

Sally: How would you like your eyes in the bottom of a martini glass, ’cause I can do it?

Dr. Hamlin: [sounding delighted] Oh, the Amazon is going to manhandle me!

Harry: Oh, Dick, we’ve got cable! Seventy-two channels! And unlike primitive free television this one you get to pay for.

Dick: How can we honor the memory of a man like Leonard Hanlin? well……he was governed by the laws of physics as are all living things. it is a scientific fact that hearts and clocks slow down as they approach the speed of light, the point at which matter is converted into energy. Dr. Hanlin’s heart approached that speed on friday evening at 7:57 according to the coroner, converting his matter into energy, into pure white light. Though he is no longer with us, he is all around us.

Mary: That was absolutely beautiful.

Tommy: Converting matter to energy?

Sally: Could you have been more trite?

Harry: Why didn’t you just phone it in?

Ab-Dick-ted

Sally: I’ll give you your promotion if you don’t say the word “really” in the next sixty seconds.

Harry: Really?

Sally You lose!

Dick: So, no matter how obnoxious you are, how much of a burden you become, you can still count on the forgiveness of your family?

Mary: Yeah.

Dick: Even if they touch your radio and refuse to make smoked chub and disobey your orders not to kill?

Mary: Yeah… even then.

Dick: That is so beautiful!

Truth or Dick

[opera plays on the car radio]

Harry: Dick, remember how I said I wanted to learn to sing? I’ve changed my mind.

Nina: I knew you had a thing for her.

Dick: Yes, but I understand I’m not allowed to show it to her without her permission.

Sally: Wait a minute, something about this doesn’t wash. She’s doing something (gasps) Now I remember! I read about this. She’s distorting the truth!

Dick: Dr. Albright would never lie to me.

Sally: Oh wake up and snort the coffee. (pause) Just because you don’t lie doesn’t mean people here don’t.

Dick: We’re colleagues! I trust her! I command you to be like her!

Sally: Like what?

Dick: Like a woman.

Sally: Fine! I can woman.

Tommy: Commander, permission to speak freely.

Dick: Granted.

Tommy: As the oldest member of this crew, I feel it’s my duty to inform you all that this planet both wipes and sucks. In that order.

Mrs. Dubcek: Poor kid. I remember what it’s like to be your age.

Tommy: I remember what it’s like to be yours.

The Art of Dick

[Harry is looking for a job offer in the newspaper]

Harry: Here’s a job I could do; “Police seek third gunman.” Well, tomorrow I’m gonna march over to the police station and tell them that I’m the man they’re looking for!

Dick: [talking about art] What makes them strive to create this?

Tommy: Naked women.

Dick: These are not naked women, they’re nudes. Nudity is the artist’s passionate celebration of the human form.

Tommy: [taking an art book] Well, party on!

Frozen Dick

[Harry explains how he’s reorganized the movies at Gung-Ho Videos]

Harry: [refers to one rack] Good movies. [refers to another rack] Bad movies. [refers to the rest of the room] Movies I haven’t seen.

[Harry is working at a video store]

Customer: Excuse me, where can I find Aliens?

Harry: Nowhere! Not here, that’s for sure. Nobody here but us humans. [in a nervous sing-song voice] La, la, la… la, la, la. [a beat] Stop looking at me!

Angry Dick

Patty Muller: I don’t envy you having to take care of three men; I only got Frank and he’s a full-time job. Just once, I’d like to see that man pick up a sock.

Sally: I’d like to see men put their dirty dishes in the sink.

Patty Muller: I’d like to see them do laundry.

Sally: [deadpan] I’d like to see them crammed between two steel wheels and ground into a fine paste.

Patty Muller: [after a beat] You know, I’d like to see that myself.

Sally: You let me know.

[Frank and Dick have had a fight]

Dick: Why are you suddenly so civil?

Frank Muller: Now we know each other’s boundaries. You know my limits, I know your limits, so now we can respect each other.

Tommy: Wait, let me see if I’ve got this straight. In order to gain each other’s respect, you had to resort to violent confrontations. Now doesn’t that strike you as stupid?

Frank Muller: [after a beat] Kids, huh?

Dick: They don’t understand the world.

The Dicks They Are A-Changin’

Mary: They opened a Hard Rock Café in Vietnam. The world’s changed, huh?

Dick: It certainly has. Did you know it used to be entirely covered with ice?

[Reminiscing about the 60’s]

Mary: Did you ever drop acid?

Dick: [misunderstanding] Oh, constantly.

Mary: You did a lot of tripping?

Dick: That’s how I dropped the acid.

I Enjoy Being A Dick

Tommy: Sally, I got a question for you. We’ve been on the planet a while now and I’ve just been wondering if we were to tell someone we cared about where we were actually from, do you think it’d be so dangerous?

Sally: No, not at all, Tommy. In fact I’ve already told Mrs. Dubcek and the mailman, uh, and a nice guy down at the mini-mall, BECAUSE I WANT US ALL TO DIE LIKE LAB RATS AT THE HANDS OF PRIMITIVE SCIENTISTS!!!

Harry: I want to make the world a better place. I want to give mankind the gift… of electricity.

Tommy: They have electricity.

Harry: Ah, then my work is done!

Dick Like Me

Mr Randell: Well, uh, the truth is that, uh, I think Tommy could do a lot better.

Dick: Be careful sir. You’re talking about the creature I’ve come to think of as my son.

[about Tommy’s teacher, Mr Randell]

Sally: He’s giving off this vibe? Can’t you feel it?

Dick: Yes I think I do. Does it feel like a stabbing pain in your left buttock?

Sally: Uh, no.

[Dick reaches under his chair]

Dick: Then I appear to be sitting on a tack.

[Holds up a tack]

Assault With A Deadly Dick

Dick: What kind of a place is this where you can’t wave handfuls of money around in the middle of the night?

Dick: Okay, let’s get this straight; I don’t care how much it costs, I don’t care how difficult it is to accomplish, I want a security system that will guarantee every moment of our lives will be filled with a sense of absolute safety and contentment.

Salesman: That would be the ElectroFort 2000. The alarm connects directly to our command center downtown, where we immediately dispatch trained patrol men to your door.

Sally: I see. I just have one question.

Salesman: Sure.

Sally: Where do I bury my family after the burglars have pumped bullets into their skulls while your guys are strolling over?

Don: Okay Mr. Solomon. It’s time to finger your perp.

Dick: (points to Mary) Believe me I’ve tried but she just won’t let me.

Father Knows Dick

Dick: You’ve got a thing in your head.

Harry: A thing?

Dick: Cranial micro receiver chip.

Harry: In my head.

Dick: But it’s not in the part you use; it’s in your brain.

Dick: Tomorrow there will be a pop quiz on the effects of thermodynamics. Remember it’s a pop quiz; if you study, I’ll know!

Harry: What matters most is life itself. And the greatest thing about life is not having a purpose; it’s about finding a purpose.

Selfish Dick

Sally: I’ve seen stuff that would make your eyes burst out of your sockets and splatter against the wall… in fact, I’ve seen that, too.

Dick: A terrible injustice has been done.

Professor Suter: What?

Dick: [raising his voice] I said a great injustice has been done!

Professor Suter: [annoyed] I heard you. What’s the big injustice?

Dick: Someone has taken something that rightfully belongs to you.

Professor Suter: What?

Dick: [raising his voice] I said someone has taken something that rightfully belongs to you!

See Dick Run

[Dick meets his replacement for the first time]

Dick: You! You’re gorgeous!

[Dick is locked in an invisible box and feels the walls]

Dick: Oh my God! He’s turned me into a mime!

[after learning that the “family” are returning to their home planet]

Dick: I wish I had a machine that could freeze time…

[Mary looks at him questioningly]

Dick: Unfortunately, I left it in my other jacket.

Season 2

See Dick Continue to Run: Part I

Tommy: You work at the university.

Evil Dick: [smugly] Ah, so I run the university.

Tommy: Well, not so much run as teach a physics class.

Evil Dick: I’m a teacher? Were all the janitor’s jobs taken?

Evil Dick: You see, I am building the greatest incubator these puny humans have ever known. And when it is completed, I will spawn my own private army of —

[The crew stares at him apprehensively]

Evil Dick: Of… fuzzy Easter chicks.

See Dick Continue to Run: Part 2

Evil Dick: Watch the destruction my little device wreaks on the world you love so well.

Dick: [outraged] What have you done to our toaster?

Dick: Oh, Mary! You have to get away from here!

Mary: You want me to try to escape?

Dick: Yes!

Mary: [pretending to struggle] Oh, let me go, let me go! How’s that?

Hotel Dick

[Dick wants to tell Mary that he’s an alien, but the others forbid it]

Sally: Well fine, but let it be on your own head!

Tommy: Which will probably be sitting next to our heads on a tray somewhere in New Mexico!

Harry: [to people who haven’t yet seen a movie] Attention, ticket holders! At the end of the movie, when the President turns out to be an alien and he barbecues all the Congressmen, don’t believe it because aliens hate barbecue!

Harry: I say we hold an alien pride parade!

Tommy: You’re gonna be like some sort of alien Martin Luther King?

Harry: Exactly. Because I, too, have a dream. And in that dream I’m naked on a ferris wheel.

Big Angry Virgin From Outer Space

Sally: The worst part is I’m still a virgin!

Mary: Oh my God, you’re a virgin?

Sally: Yes, it’s horrible!

Mary: No, it’s perfectly all right for you to save yourself for the right man.

Sally: Like you did for Dick?

Mary: [a shocked look on her face, after a long pause] Yes.

Tommy: People change for their lovers all the time. For example, I stopped wearing Old Spice and August stopped telling me to stop wearing Old Spice.

[Mary consoling Sally after her break up]

Mary: . . . I like you Sally.

Sally: I didn’t know you liked me

Mary: Well I do, you’re strong, opinionated, intelligent young woman, unpredictable at time, a little scary, but hell that’s you.

Sally: That is me, I like me too, but why didn’t Mr. Randall?

Mary: Well he’s just not the right guy for you, but you’ll find someone, I mean just look at you: those legs, that hair…

Sally: Please I’ve been dragged through the muck enough today!

Mary: Just chop this up to experience.

Sally: Thanks Dr. Albright, you’re so nice. I always thought you were such a bitch.

Mary: Oh I am. But hell, that’s me.

Much Ado About Dick

Tommy: Harry, I need a ride.

Harry: Nope.

Tommy: You know, I outrank you.

Harry: In that case… no, sir!

[Harry is watching “Looney Tunes” and Tommy wants a ride from him]

Tommy: I’ll tell you what: if the Road Runner wins this next one, you take me, but if he doesn’t… I’ll never ask you again.

Harry: Okay, you’re on. I’ve seem this next scheme before and it’s far too brilliant to fail twice.

Dick the Vote

Dick: What’s the point of having a democracy, if everybody’s going to vote wrong?

Gansmiller: [about Harry] Damn! No past, no experience, no record… the perfect candidate.

Fourth and Dick

Dick: Badgers don’t suck! They bite!

Dick: Ah, yes, the “big game.” God forbid your intellectual development should get in the way of the “big game.” The fate of humanity rests on the outcome of the “big game.”

Bug: Is he being sarcastic?

World’s Greatest Dick

Tommy: I’ve got to be in a regular school; one with metal detectors and pregnant cheerleaders.

Dick: I’m banned? Well guess what, Tommy didn’t even want to come to this robot-factory-outlet. I made him. Me! Me! Me! Now I’m putting him back into a real school, where he can be himself. Not a school where kids are judged on how well they test or much they know. Where they aren’t judged at all! Where they have the freedom to stay faceless and nameless. From K through twelve, carrying their diplomas straight through the golden arches, and on into their waiting McJobs! C’mon, Tommy, we’re going home.

My Mother The Alien

[Mrs. Dubcek wants the aliens to babysit her grandson]

Mrs. Dubcek: He’s had his nap and he’s just been changed.

Sally: What was he before?

Mrs. Dubcek: He’s got teeth coming in.

Harry: Well, don’t worry; we’ll sign for them.

Gobble, Gobble, Dick, Dick

Dick: [explaining Thanksgiving] It’s a national holiday.

Tommy: What, like Big Giant Head Day?

Dick: Similar…except that no one gets thrown into the sun.

[Tommy picks up two pool balls, holds them in the air and then drops them so they land back on the table]

Tommy: Excuse me, this game’s not three-dimensional, is it?

Dick Jokes

Tommy: Okay, could you give me an example of what’s funny?

August: I thought the movie Emma was very funny.

Tommy: What was so funny about it?

August: It was full of irony.

Tommy: Okay, so irony’s funny?

August: Yeah, because you say one thing while the opposite is actually true.

Tommy: Oh, like when you said Emma was going to be a really great movie when it actually sucked out loud?

Harry: I lost more than a coat, Tommy. I lost a friend — a buddy — a companion who kept me warm when it was cold and warmer when it was kind of too hot to be wearing a coat.

Jolly Old St. Dick

Dick: Who needs Christmas anyway? I say bug humbar.

Nina: You know, this is the only time of year I like White music.

Proud Dick

Harry: Thank you for seeing me, Father. I didn’t know where else to turn.

Priest: Well, that’s why they pay me the big bucks.

Dick: Welcome to Rusty’s. How may I serve you?

Customer: How do you make your burgers?

Dick: Excellent question. First, a clamp comes down onto the cow’s head, forcing it onto a conveyor belt, where a prod is inserted into the cow’s rectum, electrocuting it.

Customer: Gimme two.

Dick: Thank you, and remember: at Rusty’s, E-coli is not on the menu.

Doug: Stop saying that!

Romeo & Juliet & Dick

Officer Don: Hamlet? The story is as old as time: Pretty boy son has a rich daddy and a good-looking mommy. The uncle knocks off daddy, marries mommy and he cuts pretty boy out of the action. So junior goes crazy and he kills them all. Not a pretty story… but there it is.

Tommy: Isn’t that the plot to The Lion King?

Dick: You were good: you had delivery, presence, timing, you just didn’t have that indefinable something extra.

Tommy: I was just trying to score some points with my girlfriend, is that too much to ask?

Dick: Romeo and Juliet is a Shakespearian tragedy, it has nothing to do with a horny teenager and his girlfriend!

Guilty as Dick

Mary: Have a little compassion, Sally. We’re healthy; we have to help him.

Sally: I say he’s lame. Shoot him.

[Tommy is selling chocolate door-to-door and he encounters a priest at one door]

Tommy: Hi, Father, I’m selling chocolate so the high-school band can go to Washington… and learn about Christianity…so they can become priests.

[The priest closes the door in Tommy’s face]

Tommy: Fine then; they’ll stay here in Rutherford and worship Satan!

A Dick on One Knee

Michael: You see, I would like to stay very much, but your government isn’t so nice.

Sally: Except for Abraham Lincoln, right?

Sally: It’s what women are supposed to do; get married, have babies, hire total strangers to raise them and then wonder where they went wrong.

Same Old Song and Dick

Sally: You could never handle my job.

Harry: I could do it with my eyes closed!

Tommy: You do everything with your eyes closed.

I Brake for Dick

Tommy: [about August] I don’t understand her.

Sally: What’s to understand? Kill her and get a new one.

Harry: Oh, no, you can’t do that. You’ve got to get a new one and then you kill her.

Sally: The Official Boy Scouts’ Guidebook. Who’re the Boy Scouts?

Harry: They’re an elite, prepubescent, paramilitary society and I’m going to follow their ways.

Sally: But Harry, you’re neither elite nor prepubescent.

Harry: All in good time, Sally… all in good time.

Dick Behaving Badly

Harry: [while playing Monopoly] Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 and do not, I repeat do not drop the soap.

Dick: I’m tired of feeling like a Catholic schoolboy always getting his knuckles rapped by the nun he’s dating.

Judith: Men, can’t live with them, [Long Pause] good night Mary. [She leaves]

Dickmalion

Dick: What’s going on?

Nina: Oh, she’s having a big affair.

Dick: What? You tramp!

Mary: Dick, it’s a catered affair.

Dick: You’re cheating on me and your diet?

Dick: I don’t mean to panic anyone, but I’m afraid the calamari has been infested with baby squid.

Sensitive Dick

Dick: Where would we be without the agitators of the world to attach the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance?

Judith: We will now deliberate and return with a guilty verdict.

Will Work For Dick

Dick: You’ll only have to perform the most basic of tasks. You’ve sent out mail before.

Harry: Nope.

Dick: Well, you’ve stapled before…

Harry: I have not.

Dick: Surely you’ve used a paperclip.

Harry: Oh! You mean those cotton things you put in your ears?

Dick: Harry, how many fingers am I holding up?

Harry: Two!

Dick: You’re hired.

Dick: Harry, did I get any phone calls?

Harry: Oh, yes, it rang repeatedly.

Dick: And… who called?

Harry: Well, I don’t know, Dick, I’m not clairvoyant.

Mary: Does this mean you’ve come to your senses and you’re going to apologize to Nina?

Dick: No, I will never come to my senses!

Fifteen Minutes of Dick

Tommy: Sally, they want you to appear on Good Afternoon, Rutherford.

Harry: That’s my second-favorite show!

Dick: What’s your first-favorite?

Harry: Good Morning, Rutherford.

Dick and the Single Girl

Dick: Can we take more than one?

Nina: Take as much as you want! Nobody’s going to be at this thing.

Mary: Don’t be so insensitive.

Nina: [to Dick] Yeah, shame on you!

A Nightmare on Dick Street: Part 1

Sally: Don, what happens to people? Are they born mad or do one day their minds just snap?

Officer Don: If only we knew, Sally. One minute little Johnny Normal is on his paper route and the next there’s a pile of dead bank guards and Johnny is using Grandma as a human shield.

A Nightmare on Dick Street: Part 2

[Dick and Sally are doped out on antidepressants]

Sally: I like TV.

Dick: Me too. Let’s say we turn it on. [he turns it on]

Sally: It’s even better on.

Season 3

Fun with Dick and Janet: Part 1

Dick: Oh, Mary! I’ve just had one of those horrible dreams!

Mary: Well what happened?

Dick: We were getting married!

Mary: [sarcastically] Thank you…

Dick: No, that was the good part. Then, my family showed up.

Mary: Oh, don’t tell me? They objected?

Dick: Well…they had issues.

Mary: It’s alright. I prepared a short speech just in case they did. It’s just basically two words… and one of them’s “off.”

[in his classroom]

Dick: Thank you Leon. You’ve made it all so clear! I’ve got to learn to let go, to move forward and focus on the thing that is most important in my life….MEEE!

Fun with Dick and Janet: Part 2

Harry: Look at the bright side, Dick: with Janet out of the way, maybe you’ll get another shot at Albright.

Dick: You think?

Harry: Probably no. But hey, at least there’s still the three of us.

Dick [slight pause]]: Wait, didn’t there used to be four of us?

Harry: Oh, yeah! Officer Don called. “Tommy’s in jail.”

[Brief pause.]

Dick, Sally, Harry: JAIL? [They panic and run out of the apartment.]

Dick: You idiots!

[Sally and Harry run into the police station.]

Sally: Don! Where’s Tommy?

Officer Don: Oh, you’re too late.

[Harry screams. Sally grabs Don by the throat.]

Sally: You killed Tommy?!

Officer Don: No, I let him go!

Sally: You let Tommy go to his death?

[Harry screams again. Tommy suddenly appears right behind him.]

Tommy: Hey, Harry.

[Harry turns around and shouts again at the sight of Tommy.]

Tricky Dick

Dick: Women.

Tommy: Women.

Officer Don: Women.

Harry: [high-pitched voice] Women!

Dick: You can’t live with ’em and you can’t have heterosexual sex without ’em.

Harry: That’s probably true.

Dick: Women always act so adult, but just like that they’ll sink all the way down to your level.

Dick-In-Law

Dick: I want to make a good impression on Mary’s parents.

Sally: Mary Albright‘s parents?

Tommy: They’re still alive?:

Sally: My God, they must be so old!

Scaredy Dick

[Harry is dressed as an alien for Halloween]

Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, Harry, you’re an alien.

Harry: NO, I’M NOT! [realizing his costume] I mean, yes, I am.

[Dick goes to a Halloween party as a pirate]

Partygoer: Ahoy, matey. Where are your buccaneers?

Dick: Under my buckin’ hat.

Moby Dick

Dick: Why should I be concerned about gaining weight? My body is just the vehicle that carries my brain around – and my brain deserves a smooth, luxurious ride.

[Dick is putting on a corset to become thinner]

Sally: What’s that?

Dick: It’s called the ‘Shatner.’

[Sally is talking to her plant]

Sally: You hungry? Oh, I know you–you wouldn’t say anything if you were.

[she pours some of her Coke into the pot]

Sally: You’re so nice. You’re not at all arrogant or demanding like most people I know.

Tommy: You must be bored out of your mind.

Sally: Actually, I’m not.

Tommy: I was talking to the plant.

[Harry, with a camera, sneaks up behind August in school to get a photo of her]

August (noticing Harry): Harry?

Harry: I am not Harry.

August: What are you doing here? And what’s with the camera?

Harry: What camera?

Dick: My pants fit! I won the war!

Harry: That’s great, Dick! So you lost weight?

Dick: Even better – I bought bigger pants!

Eleven Angry Men and One Dick

Dick: Maybe you’ll all change your tune when you hear about something called… ‘reasonable doubt.’

Juror #1: What’s the point?

Dick: The point is it’s reasonable to assume Foster used the money to pay for his daughter’s life-threatening operation.

Juror #2: No, it isn’t.

Juror #3: He doesn’t have a daughter.

Juror #1: It’s not reasonable doubt if you just make things up!

[Jury selection]

Prosecuting lawyer: Do you believe everything you read in the newspaper?

Dick: Yes! No! I don’t know what I believe anymore! You tell me what to believe and I’ll do it!

Prosecuting lawyer: He’s fine with me.

Defense lawyer: Me, too.

A Friend in Dick

Dick: I’m not finger-pointing… [points at Mary]…but it’s YOUR fault! YOU!

Seven Deadly Clips

Tommy: This ice cream is delicious.

Harry: [looking at the box] Actually, it’s ‘sinfully delicious.’ I would gladly go to Hell for a pint of this.

Tom, Dick and Mary

Dick: Nina, who is this ‘Tom’ that Mary keeps talking about?

Nina: I don’t know, and it’s none of my business.

Dick: It’s none of my business and I’m obsessed with it!

Nina: That’s typical. Why is it that men think that when you plant the flag, you own the mountain.

Dick: I spent two years climbing that mountain, and I’m not about to let some guy yodel on it!

Mary: Most people dismiss non-literate cultures.

Tommy: Well, we live in one.

Jailhouse Dick

Officer Don: Here, sign this.

Eddie: What is it?

Officer Don: Oh, it just absolves us of any wrongdoing in arresting you without reason and without any evidence. It’s standard.

Dick: Eddie, you stole my car, but more importantly, you broke my heart. You wanna know what’s worse?

Eddie: What?

Dick: That you stole my car.

36! 24! 36! Dick!: Part 2

Tommy: We don’t have cell phones; we’re from Ohio!

Harry: (to Tommy and Dick) Boys, we’re going to San Francisco!

Mascha: San Diego!

Harry: San Diego!

Pickles and Ice Cream

Dick: Nina, here are the keys to my Rambler. Take it somewhere and have my tires rotated.

Nina: That’s not in my job description.

Dick: What is in your job description?

Nina: Typing.

Dick: Okay, well, type it into your job description and have it done by lunch.

Mary: I think it’s unfair that you demand Sally do whatever you want as if you were… king of the universe!

Dick: Oh, please! We look nothing alike.

Auto Erodicka

Sally: Don’t listen to him, he’s just a kid.

Salesman: Oh, don’t worry. I used to be a kid myself… a long time ago. [laughs] Say there, sport, you like girls?

Tommy: Yeah. Sorry.

Portrait of Tommy as an Old Man

[Harry has taken over Tommy’s job as Information Officer]

Dick: Harry, write this down. I need you to find a place–

Harry: W-w-wait. [writes] I…need…you…to…find…

Dick: Harry, forget writing it down. Just memorize it. I need you to find-—

Harry: W-w-wait. [puts finger to forehead] I…need…you…to…find…

Dick: Harry, forget memorizing it. Just listen to me. I need you to find a place for Mary to sing. Harry?

Harry: Oh, sorry, I was thinking about cake.

Stuck with Dick

Dick: The library’s closed on Saturday?

Mary: Dick, this — is — not — a — good — school!

Nina: Where’s Dr. Albright?

Tommy: Well, we’re not sure, but we think she’s having sex with Dick in an unknown location.

Nina: Oh my God, what is she thinking?

Tommy: What’s she thinking? What is he thinking?

Nina: Okay, can we just agree they’re both freaks?

Tommy: Yeah!

My Daddy’s Little Girl

George Albright: [entering Mary’s office] Mary.

Mary: Daddy!

George Albright: Hey there, magpie.

Mary: What a nice surprise.

George Albright: Well, not really… I’ve left your mother.

Mary: Again?

Eddie: Just a couple of rules: don’t curse and don’t spill nothing and if you spill something, don’t curse.

The Physics of Being Dick

Dick: How about a new strategy? What about “sad cop, slightly effeminate cop?”

Dick: And what makes that cop’s gun so cool? PHYSICS! Kinetic energy generates the velocity with which the bullet exits the barrel, while the ballistics coefficient and sectional density determine the damage to its targets! Guns don’t kill people, PHYSICS kills people!

Just Your Average Dick

Sally: It says here the average American uses 4.1 pounds of butter a year.

Tommy: Orally?

Sally: I’m part of a community–a community that embraces wholesome, American values. And if you cross us… we will destroy you.

Dick and the Other Guy

Mary: This is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth!

Dick: Once again I come in second.

Dick: Dr. Neesam, I find you to be pompous, judgmental and completely self-absorbed. Would you be my friend?

[pause]

Liam: We’ll see.

Liam: Your head is like a cookie. I just want to eat it.

Sally and Don’s First Kiss

Mary: So you’re going to let this woman control your life?

Dick: No, just the lunch part. [a beat] My favorite part.

The Tooth Harry

Harry: [to Nina] Don’t worry, Nina. I won’t let anyone else hurt you.

Dentist: Don’t forget about your appointment on Friday, Nina.

Harry: Until Friday.

[Harry left twenty dollars under Nina’s pillow as payment from the Tooth Fairy for the four wisdom teeth she lost. Just as they’re about to have sex, Nina finds the money.]

Nina: What’s this?

Harry: Oh, you weren’t supposed to find that ’till tomorrow morning.

Nina: You left me twenty bucks?

Harry: Well, yeah, that’s the going rate, isn’t it?

Nina: Going rate?!

Harry: Yeah, five bucks a pop; that seems pretty reasonable to me.

Eat, Drink, Dick, Mary

[the Solomons confront Tommy about his cooking skills]

Sally: I can’t believe it! You can cook!

Harry: You

Tommy: No, no, I can’t cook! I swear!

Dick: Well, then how do you explain this? (indicates oregano and rosemary on the table)

Tommy: This, uh…is marijuana!

Dick: This whole time we’ve been eating her slop, and you’re a damn gourmet!!

Tommy: No, no, it’s pot! I swear! I smoke it with my friends. I like to… toke up on the..fat daddies…uh…dude…

Sally: Ugh, I blame myself. How could I have missed all the signs? I mean, just last month I was doing laundry and I found a measuring spoon in his pants.

Dick: I was as blind as you, Sally. At the mall, he said he was going to the comic book store, but I saw him coming out of the Williams and Sonoma!

Harry: (picks up vial of white powder) Oh, Tommy! (opens, tastes what’s inside) it’s confectioner’s sugar!

Dick: Confectioner’s sugar? So you’ve been baking, too?! (hugs Sally) Look what your selfishness has done to Sally! Get out of my sight!

Tommy: (starts to leave)

Dick: Oh, but first, make me a spinach and fennel frittata.

Sally: (nods) Yeah, me too.

Randy: I think you’re Harry.

Harry: Well, I think you’re hairy!

[Don is telling a story]

Officer Don: And then I said to the robber, “Not your pants, the gun!” [everyone laughs] Yeah… that didn’t really happen.

Season 4

Power Mad Dick

[the Solomons have a repairman over]

Dick: Sally, you seein’ Don today?

Sally: Seein’ him? I’m losing my virginity to him!

Repairman: You know, I can come back.

Harry: I’ll never forget the time I lost my virginity to ol’… what’s-her-name over at… the place. Magic.

Collect Call for Dick

Harry: Dubcek’s threatening to make me work it off and I don’t think she’s talking about mowing the lawn.

“The Columbian”: Oh, I got top dollar–I got better than top dollar.

Dick: Well then, by default, wouldn’t that become top dollar?

Mary: Hey Dick. What’s with all the Rusty burgers?

Dick: Ah, well I’m just uh, preparing box lunches for the homeless.

Mary: Why are putting all of the food in the trash?

Dick: It makes them more comfortable. Mary- you can be so insenitive!

What’s Love Got to Do, Got to Do with Dick?

Eric: I’m waiting to get into the K-9 unit.

Sally: Aw, what’s the hold up?

Officer Don: Well, our- our dog ran away. But we’re putting up fliers.

D3: Judgment Day

Dick: Oh, I miss those days with Mary. Breakfast in bed, lunch in the bed. Changing the sheets… ’cause there’s food in the bed.

Indecent Dick

Dick: Harry, are you naked or am I seeing things?

Harry: Actually it’s a little of both.

Pitman: We all came into this world naked.

Dick: Well, I didn’t.

Dick Solomon of the Indiana Solomons

Harry: Ah, the mail! What would a day on Earth be like without the mail?

Tommy: Probably a lot like Sunday.

Mary: What did your father tell you about the family?

Dick: Not a lot. He, uh… lost his mouth in the war.

Dick and Taxes

Mary: You wanted to see me, Dick?

Dick: Oh, Mary, thank God! I wanted to show you that if you mix up the letters in your last name, it spells “lab right!”

[pause]

Mary: Okay, but wh-what was the emergency that couldn’t wait another second that made me… get off the phone with Chancellor?

Dick: Lab right!

[filling out tax forms]

Dick: Line 14, “other gains or losses.”

Tommy: I gained two pounds.

Sally: I lost my virginity.

Sally Forth

Officer Don: Sally, I’m a cop. I’ve got keen instincts. And right now, my instincts are telling me that… I don’t know what the hell is going on.

Y2dicK

Tommy: It’s like watching Entertainment Tonight in Carnegie-frickin’-Hall!

Alien Hunter

Dick: [while gagged, mumbling on the telephone to Judith] Mmmph!

Judith: [sarcastically, alternating between Dick’s mumblings] Oh, yeah. Oh, baby. I’m hot now. Do me. Do me all night. I know it’s you, Dick. [hangs up]

Dick: Damn!

Officer Don: The F.B.I. are coming into town tomorrow.

Dick: What for?

Officer Don: That’s classified.

Tommy: You have no idea, do you?

[pause]

Officer Don: That’s also classified.

Dick vs. Strudwick

Nina: You think you’re the smartest man on the planet, don’t you?

Dick: For the thousandth time, YES!

Vincent Strudwick: So… what’d you think of the book?

Dick: As bathroom fare? A triumph!

Dick’s Big Giant Headache: Part 1

Dick: Families don’t refer to each other by rank. They use more familiar terms like “you” or “bastard” or… “you bastard.”

Big Giant Head: The yelling will cease and the killing will commence!

Season 5

Episode I: the Baby Menace

[the aliens are looking for Vicki’s hybrid alien baby in the nursery]

Tommy: Which one is it?

Dick: It must be him – it’s hideous.

Man: Hey, that’s my daughter!

Dick: I’m so sorry; she’s hideous.

Dick for Tat

Mary: I am so hungover!

Dick: Oh! Well, Mary, that’s just nature’s way of telling you what a tramp you are.

The Fifth Solomon

[the Solomons are angry at Dick because he crashed the car]

Dick: Hey, be thankful I wasn’t killed!

Sally: Yeah, because then we’d have to hitch a ride to your funeral, BECAUSE YOU WRECKED OUR FREAKIN’ CAR!

Officer Don You have to have insurance!

Dick: Why? It’s just a bet against myself! The only way I can win my money back is by getting horribly injured.

Dick And Tuck

[Looking at himself and a picture of himself and Harrison Ford]

Dick: Oh my god! I’m hideous!

Sex and the Sally

Harry: Sally, I’m starving. What’s for dinner?

Sally: Oh, I made you some hamburgers–they’re down at the hamburger place. All you have to do is go there, order them, and pay for them.

Charitable Dick

Dick: We can make little differences; we just can’t make global differences.

Harry: Can we blow up the Earth?

Dick: You see, that’s a global difference.

Harry: It’s so hard to keep track of all this.

The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary

Dick: Why do these people get to have their life stories in the paper? What makes them so special?

Nina: Those are the obituaries.

Dick: Well, I want one about me!

Nina: Hopefully soon.

Gwen, Larry, Dick and Mary

Larry: I’ve never noticed it before, but you look capable of violence.

Dick: [picking up a chair] I’ll show you who’s capable of violence!

Rutherford Beauty

[Dick is fantasizing about Nina during his class’s exam]

Leon: [sees Dick kissing an imaginary person] Dr. Solomon, what are you doing?

Dick: …I said no talking, Leon. You fail!

[after Mary receives an exercise video as a present from Dick]

Mary: Here’s a little “gift-giving” tip: When you give someone a bouquet of flowers, that tells them “Our love goes on forever.” When you give somebody an exercise video that tells them “Your ass goes on forever!”

Dick Strikes Out

Dick: I’m sorry, there is simply no room in the budget for raises. But I can go you one better: promotions! Sally, you are now Senior Security Officer.

Sally: That’ll look good on the ol’ résumé!

Dick: Tommy, you are now Senior Information Officer.

Tommy: It’s about time!

[pause]

Harry: What about me?

Dick: Harry, you are now… Harold.

Harry: Champagne for everyone!

Mary: [referring to Dick] I wouldn’t be caught dead going out with that scab.

Dick: Well, couldn’t you put a band-aid over it?

Frankie Goes to Rutherford

[Dick has entered the office wearing a tight-fitting construction worker’s outfit and a tool belt]

Dick: Whaddaya think, Nina? Ya like beefcake?

Nina: Not from your funky bakery. [winks]

The Big Giant Head Returns Again: Part 1

Vicki Dubcek: [about Harry’s new girlfriend Janice] You don’t like her as much as me, do you?

Harry: Oh, no!… More.

Dick: Are you going to kill me?

Big Giant Head: Of course not; you’re my designated driver.

The Big Giant Head Returns Again: Part 2

Vicki Dubcek: How dare you use your flesh to trick me!

Harry: Well, that’s what it’s there for.

[after finding out his father was “the Big Head”]

Dick: I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to feel. Who am I?

Harry: Well, let me see, your first name is Dick… your new last name is Head… I guess that would make..

Dick: Oh My God!

Season 6

Fear and Loathing in Rutherford

Strudwick: My daughter just ran off with your ragamuffin son!

Dick: “Ragamuffin”?! Sally, throw him out; Harry, bring me a dictionary.

Indickscretion

Tommy: [about a movie Harry has seen] How was it? I heard there was an awesome shower scene.

Harry: Oh, yeah…but then this naked girl got in and you could barely see the shower.

Dick Digs

Tourist: Excuse me, we’ve been driving around for hours. Do you know of any hotels that have rooms?

Harry: I believe that all hotels have rooms.

The Thing That Wouldn’t Die: Part 2

Mary: [concerned] I think there’s something wrong with Dick.

[Nina and Judith stare blankly at her]

3rd Rock from the Sun Photo Gallery

Season DVD Release Schedule