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Firefly Trivia

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Episode 1: Serenity (1)

At the beginning of the modern scene in space just after Mal says “The vault’s sealed” we cut to a shot of Mal’s back you can clearly see the “sticky” around the vault lock – this is before he applies the sticky which is seen a few seconds later.

After the crew lands on Persephone, and everyone is leaving, Wash drives the crawler down the ramp, but stops to tell Zoe to be careful (“Zhu Yi”). As he prepares to start down the ramp, if you look at the front bumper of the crawler, you can see a hand reach out and pull him forward. This may not be visible in all formats.

In the very last scene on the flight deck, the toy dinosaurs Wash was playing with at the beginning of the pilot (“Serenity”) can be seen left behind on his console.

Episode 2: Serenity (2)

When everyone is celebrating the escape from the Reavers, we see Wash is piloting the ship. But as the camera pulls back, we see the control panel and steering wheel are gone and Wash is in fact holding on to NOTHING. According to the commentary, they needed to take out the panel to make a camera move work, and the actor playing Wash mimed holding the steering wheel for the shot, but in widescreen it’s pretty blatant. Joss Whedon said no one noticed the error and the shot was used anyway.

So how’d the Reavers track Serenity to Whitefall? We’re told it’s the same ship that went past them earlier, when they weren’t close to Whitefall. So…how’d the Reavers know Mal & crew would be there? Or did they just get lucky?

Wash says he can’t see the incoming Reaver ship and has to do a scan. Not more then a few seconds later Mal looks out the ship and the Reaver ship is practically on top of them.

Episode 3: The Train Job

According to his DVD commentary, Joss Whedon said that he originally intended to play the part of Badger himself.

In the overhead shot of the train, just before Serenity comes into the shot, the wheels on the train that are F/X’d out elsewhere can be seen in the shadow next to the track.

What the heck does the opening narration mean? So, they found a new solar system and hundreds of new earths? So are they all in one solar system, or what?

Maybe this will change in future episodes, but all the planets we see in this episode (including the intro and the opening credits) are dusty and dry and kinda desert-like. But we’re told in the opening narration they were all terraformed. So why’d they go around and create a bunch of deserts? (some didn’t find this too unusual, thinking maybe the process was limited to desert creation)

Episode 4: Bushwhacked

So the survivor attacks Jayne, who in return shoots him. When Mal follows the blood drops to the vent, it’s closed. So the survivor takes the vent off, climbs in, and then places it back in. He seems too out of the world to be putting the vent back.

When Simon comes into the other ship in the spacesuit, he lays down his flashlight to try and take of his helmet, but when the shot changes to Kaylee coming toward the screen to help him you can see the light from the flashlight still moving over the other characters behind Kaylee, at one point blinding Jayne, as if Simon was still holding it.

The ship’s name “Serenity” was taken from one of the last places the war was fought before the Alliance considered the war won, which was called Serenity Valley.

Wouldn’t Captain Malcolm and Zoe have noticed a bad odor before River looked up towards the slaughtered, hanging passengers of the derelict ship?

So what happened to the ship’s log they found? First Mal and Zoe find it, start examining it, and talk like it’s going to have some kind of big revelation, but then they forget about it entirely.

So why doesn’t Jayne give up Simon and River to the Alliance? He sure talks about them being unwanted and pain-in-the-necks enough times, but he has the chance here to secretly give them up to the Alliance by giving away their hiding place and he doesn’t take it. Presumably he’s just loyal to Mal or just really likes them and it’s all talk, but this isn’t really clear.

Where is the survivor hiding in the common room? He gets the drop on the Alliance guys and Mal despite the fact they’re facing in all directions and there really isn’t anywhere to hide.

Where do the Alliance soldiers disappear to when the survivor attacks? There are several soldiers, plus Mal and the Alliance captain, who go into the room. Then the survivor attacks, kills one or maybe two soldiers tops, and it’s just him, the captain, and Mal – where’d the rest go? And why aren’t they helping their commanding officer? Also, you can see the hand of a soldier on the Cruiser commander’s shoulder after Mal saves him… obviously there were soldiers around, why didnt they help him out?

Episode 5: Shindig

In this episode it’s revealed that Kaylee is short for Kaywinnit Lee, and her last name is Frye.

According to the DVD commentary for this episode, it is revealed that the necklace Zoe always wears is to symbolize her marriage to Wash (instead of a ring). That is why she never takes it off.

Cows will never walk on a grate or a grid-like pattern. According to Jane Espenson, the cows were placed there with bluescreening.


Conveniently, the cows in the hold don’t start mooing until after Inara and Mal finish their conversation. Or at least, the sound editor thoughtfully cut them off the track so the two could have an understandable conversation.

Episode 6: Safe

During the rescue of River and Simon, the red dot from the laser sight on Jayne’s gun on the Patron’s chest is 2 or 3 inches across (way too big). Laserbeams don’t get wider at a distance, and besides, Jayne can’t be more than 50 yards/meters away at the most.

How do the hillfolk know that Simon is a doctor? He and the others never mention it (that we see or hear) while they’re in town.

Anybody working with cows will find the shot of the empty cargo bay, with neat little piles of cow manure despite a herd of the animals milling around in there for days, highly suspect.

Simon’s comment about Book’s injury being the “first decent wound” doesn’t make much sense since Mal was badly injured previously in “Out of Gas” and Simon ended up treating him. However, this episode was actually filmed and produced prior to that one but aired out of sequence by Fox, explaining the apparent continuity error.

Episode 7: Our Mrs. Reynolds

In the UK DVD boxset release, according to the booklet, this episode was written by Joss Wheldon; not Joss Whedon.

The town seems to be a closely-knit kinda community. And yet no one there seems to take it amiss when Saffron, a stranger, wanders up and “proposes” to Mal. If she had stayed in town for a while to establish her credentials, how long was she there in town while waiting for a ship to come by she could set up for a hijack?

Previously we were told that River escaped from the Academy. This episode Inara says that Saffron must have received companion training at “the Academy.” The way everyone talks about it in capital letters, “The Academy” seems to be a single well-known place…that trains both psychics and companions? Otherwise referring to both training organizations as “The Academy” seems unnecessarily confusing.

Episode 8: Jaynestown

After the young boy takes the shot that was supposed to hit Jayne, he falls to the ground. You can see a rope attached to his left foot during this stunt and when he is falling to the ground.

When Stitch points his shotgun at Mal, there is a pump action sound effect, even though he does not pump the gun.

You can’t take a shotgun blast for someone. A shotgun blast is a spread of pellets, even at relatively close-range. At least some of the pellets/buckshot would have gone past the guy and hit Jayne.

Stitch walks upright pretty well, and manhandles Simon pretty readily, despite being locked up in a cramped box for four years. Did the Magistrate let him have daily exercise periods and all, or what?

So exactly what is “Port Control”? The Serenity landed in the middle of a big open field with no signs of buildings, no one to greet them, and no indication they had to request permission to land.

Episode 9: Out of Gas

The random piece of equipment that Wash throws in the salvage yard appears to be a Catalyzer, the engine component that broke and caused the situation in “Out of Gas”.

One of the candles on the birthday cake goes from being lit to not lit depending on the camera angle.

The dress that Kaylee is wearing in the flashback is the same dress she wears on her date with Simon in the episode “The Message”.

In one of the DVD commentaries for “Firefly,” it’s explained that Zoe wears her leather necklace as a sort of wedding ring, symbolizing her marriage to Wash. But, she’s wearing the same necklace during the flashback shots in this episode. Why is she wearing it if she’s not married to Wash yet?

At least in our time, injecting a big needle of adrenaline into someone with a stomach wound will almost certainly result in one very dead patient.

Episode 10: Ariel

When the ambulance lands, you can see the casters that it is sitting on.

When Jayne, Simon, and River are being arrested, Jayne has his hands cuffed behind his back. A moment later he gets shot with one of the Fed energy weapons and his hands go flying up in front of him which would have been impossible if he was still handcuffed.

The ambulance used in this episode was eventually found in a scrap yard in the Mojave Desert, and then purchased by fans.

One of the guards had blood all over his mouth from biting Jayne, but the blood is gone when the blue-handed operatives check them.

Episode 11: War Stories

Wash must be a terrible pilot in a shuttle, as the shuttle seems to be zigzagging all across a perfectly flat valley – the sunlight sways back and forth from the window across Mal and him as they’re going to the drop zone. Either that, or the sun is changing position on the horizon every five seconds.

As the crew are storming the station, one “dead” guard can be seen lying perfectly alongside one of the walls. But when the opposite wall gets shot, you can see the whole body jump in shock.

In the scene where Mal has the torture device attached to his chest, his amputated ear is on the wrong side of his head. Obviously, the picture has been flipped (a mirror image), as the buttons on his shirt are on the wrong side, also.

The crew seems to know all about Niska’s reputation when he first met them. Here they’re pretty close to his space station when they make the drug deal, and they don’t seem to be worried at all about their proximity to him or the chance he might do something. In fact, Mal even thinks it’s going to be an easy run.

The councilor’s bodyguard comes in and says “All clear” even though Kaylee and Jayne are not-so-carefully hiding up in the catwalks.

Episode 12: Trash

The outfit that Inara is wearing at the end of the episode is the same one she is wearing the flashback in Out of Gas.”

At the end of the episode, when Mal is butt naked and talking to Zoe and Wash, when they’re leaving him Wash tells Zoe, barely audibly if you listen carefully, “Zoe, he’s Jewish!” You can try guessing what he’s referring to.

At time index 17:45, as Mal’s shuttle is landing on the island, a spacecraft can be seen flying from right to left in the background. This “spacecraft” is actually a Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird, a US supersonic reconnaissance aircraft which was first flown in 1964.

When Kaylee is reprogramming the garbage can, the screen next to her clearly shows a Windows desktop (with what looks like the new hardware wizard at the first step). Time index on the DVD copy of the episode: 21:41

Episode 13: The Message

When Simon starts cutting Tracey, he make about an inch cut before Tracey wakes up and jumps him. After he’s lying on the floor, the cut goes all the way down his sternum.

When Simon goes to do the autopsy on Tracey you notice that he plans to cut right down the middle. When an autopsy is done the doctor or coroner makes a ‘Y’ cut. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a doctor or coroner opening a body by cutting right down the middle of the torso.

When Jayne starts digging in the box for the enclosed item the camera cuts to the rest of the crew and Jayne is slightly off camera. However, you can still clearly see him take the hat out and let the box fall on the floor, yet when they switch cameras Jayne is shown doing the same actions as before – taking the hat out and letting the box drop. This leads to a bit of a mismatch when they cut the shots together.

The dress that Kaylee is wearing on her date with Simon is the same dress is wearing in the flashback on the episode Out of Gas.

Tracey’s plan is a bit unclear. He is supposedly smuggling genetically-engineered human organs from one planet to another. He’s supposed to go to Ariel, where he said the new organs would be taken out and his original ones put back in. Presumably his organs were taken out on a planet that wasn’t Ariel, which means they had to be transported to Ariel. How was this to be accomplished? Isn’t trafficking human organs illegal? Is there some sort of legal distinction between real organs and genetically engineered ones? If transporting the originals is easy enough, then why not smuggle the new ones that way? Why bother with a human incubator in a risky and unnessesary plan? Perhaps it could be argued that real organs can survive outside the body in artificial incubators and genetic organs cannot, but if that’s the case it means there’s something fundamentally wrong with the genetic process of creating the organs, because they should be indistinguishable from real ones. If this is the case, using a genetic organ would probably be very risk and possibly prone to failure. Of course, they could be failure prone and the black market doesn’t really care.

Arriving on Persephone, Jayne exits Serenity wearing the hat his mother made for him in “The Message.”

Episode 14: Heart of Gold

If you’re watching closely, when Rance Burgess is delivering his sinister speech to rally his men, you can see that one of the cutaway shots of the onlookers is actually played backwards. Keep your eyes peeled, you can see the fire on one guy’s torch is flowing backwards when they tilt up to show him.

As Mal dives from the roof, one of Burgess’ men shoots at him with his horse facing Mal dead on. Mal lands and does a forward roll, and now the horse is standing at right angles. Why would you move a horse while shooting at an armed, moving target?

We know Book knows his guns better than he should, yet in this episode he’s only armed with a hose. We know from “War Stories” that he’s not averse to taking up arms if needed. River, with her blind-shooting ability, also seems underutilised.

When Burgess walks out of the room with the baby, you can clearly see he’s holding a doll in one shot

Episode 15: Objects in Space

At the climax of the story, Mal moves in behind Jubal and pushes him off into space. But actions and reactions are equal — the shove should send Mal flying off in the other direction. There is no indication that he is braced against anything or has secured his footing in either the wide shot or the close-up that shows him appearing quite suddenly behind Early.

When River is still claiming to have merged with Serenity, she is able to speak to several rooms individually. Is this possible to do from Early’s ship? And how could she tell that Mal was rolling his eyes– was it a big goof or a psychic awareness?

IPB Image

MOVIE: Serenity

In the movie, the key phrase, that Dr. Simon Tam uttered to put River to sleep, “Eta Kooram Nah Smech!” in Russian means literally “this is for hens to laugh”, meaning “this is very ridiculous”.

When the Operative reviews Mal’s file, it shows his birth date as 9/20/2468. 9/20/2002 is the day “Firefly” (2002) premiered. Coincidentally, 9/20/1968 is “Firefly” writer/producer Ben Edlund’s date of birth.

Although only a portion of the animated “Fruity Oaty Bar” commercial is visible in the movie, it was produced in its entirety and is visible as an “Easter Egg” on the DVD. Joss Whedon wanted the commercial to be as odd as possible and admits on the DVD that it is heavily inspired by the “Mr. Sparkle” advertisement from “The Simpsons” (1989) episode “In Marge We Trust.”

According to Adam Baldwin, the mini-gun his character Jayne uses at the end of the film is nicknamed “Lux”, after the message board handle (LuxLucre) of devoted fan Kerry Pearson. Pearson, who died of complications from diabetes, was best known for creating fan art that featured the characters from “Firefly” (2002) in a “South Park” (1997) cartoon style.

There is an inside joke printed on some of the crates in the cargo bay. Some of the crates have the message “Reusable Container: Do Not Destroy” printed on them (they are visible behind River after the Reaver has been shot). The original set for the ship, from the show “Firefly” (2002) was destroyed (even though creator Joss Whedon swore he’d make use of it again), and therefore could not be reused for the movie (the set had to be rebuilt from scratch).

Fanty and Mingo are named for the pair of mafia thugs from Joseph H. Lewis’s The Big Combo (1955).

Universal Studios took the unusual step of allowing early previews of the unfinished film. The first early preview was in November 2004 in the San Fernando Valley, Los Angeles CA, when the release date for the film was still early 2005. The 5 May 2005 previews were held in 10 cities, the 26 May 2005 previews were held in 20 cities, and the 23 June 2005 previews were held in 35 cities. An early preview was also held on the Gold Coast, Qld, Australia on Friday 22 July 2005.

Two wrecked ships are shown with the registration numbers C57D, a reference to Forbidden Planet (1956). Jayne points out the first one as they explore. The second is the rescue ship, the source of the beacon. Writer/Director Joss Whedon says in the DVD commentary that the name of the world, Miranda, was taken from William Shakespeare’s The Tempest, where it is the name of a character who says, “Brave new world that has such people in it.” Forbidden Planet was loosely based on The Tempest.

When the crew first arrives on Haven, Jayne is strumming the “Ballad of Serenity” (the “Firefly” (2002) theme) on the guitar.

This is the first film to be released by Universal on HD-DVD (High Definition DVD).

A coffee maker seen in Serenity’s dining room/kitchen is an F.A. Porsche Design coffee maker made by Siemens.

The futuristic-looking handcuffs used on River are in fact Clejuso Number 13s, the second heaviest handcuffs currently in production.

EASTER EGG: From the main menu screen, keep clicking “left” until you light up a triangle with a dot in the center on the right side of the screen. This icon will take you to the full Fruity Oaty Bar commercial.

Malcolm’s Social Control number is 099,836,5,4112.

The keyboard Mal uses to transmit the signal from Mr. Universe’s basement is a Micro Innovations Web Office Pro Keyboard.

One of the video clips playing on the monitors in Mr Universe’s base is the Blue Sun commercial from the “Firefly” (2002) episode “The Message”.

This is the first film for which a digital cinema distribution master was made using the new DCI standards using JPEG2000 compression and a 12 bit 4:4:4 XYZ color space.

The cannon the crew mounts to Serenity is a WW2 German 20mm Flak 38.

Among the buildings shown in the opening sequence (where voice-over narration describes the “terraforming” process) are the Emirates Towers, key features of the skyline of Dubai, in the United Arab Emirates. A skyscraper in the foreground of the same shot is based on designs by Sir Norman Foster (Lord Foster), including the Commerzbank headquarters in Frankfurt and the HSBC building in Hong Kong.

Morena Baccarin provides the voice (“Parliamentary override. Full access.”) for the security terminal in the records room.

The key phrase, that Dr. Simon Tam uttered to put River to sleep, “Eta Kooram Nah Smech!” in Russian means literally “this is for hens to laugh”, meaning “this is very ridiculous”.

Wash’s jacket has a Leonov mission patch from 2010 (1984) on one arm, and a real-world Russian Intercosmos patch on the other.

Concept art for the film reveals that many of the weapons are based on the design of paintball markers. They include such paintball-specific touches as the propellant tank mount point at the bottom of the rear grip, and an “expansion chamber”-style fore grip.

The poem Mal refers to is “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner” by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. In the poem the Mariner shoots down an albatross which causes the death of his crew and the destruction of his ship.

Mal’s drink of choice, Ng Ka Py, is a Chinese brandy. (It is available in the San Francisco Bay Area, particularly in the Li Po bar in SF’s Chinatown and some liquor stores in SF and Oakland’s Chinatown.) It is seen in the film in his quarters, and it is also the drink he calls for in the bar in the first scene of “The Train Job”.

Summer Glau has said that she pitched to Joss Whedon the idea of her character River becoming a pilot during the “Firefly” (2002) television series. In this film, River finally becomes co-pilot of Serenity.

The original “Firefly” (2002) title theme is played at the end of the closing credits, in a guitar-only version.

Zoe, Mal, and Jayne’s guns from Firefly are in a private collection so it became necessary for everyone to have new weapons for the film. The only weapon carried over from the series is Jayne’s bowie knife.

The cast had a running gag where they would yell Summer Glau’s name whenever she flubbed a line or forgot to do something. It originated on “Firefly” (2002) when she forgot her line at the end of a very long and difficult scene.

According to the director commentary, Mal’s line “Faster would be better” was ad-libbed by Nathan Fillion when Joss Whedon told him to “say something Mal would say.”

On Miranda, when the crew discovers the dead citizens in the sealed room, right before River starts talking in Chineese, there’s a body of an old man in a lab coat wearing golden shoes. The shoes he is wearing are Nike Flightposite III, basketball shoes designed for Kevin Garnett, introduced around 2001.

Body count: 74

After they find the first body that’s been dead without injuries in the white city you can see a strange kind of stairs with a ramp through it. This is an exact copy of the stairs at the Robson Square in Vancouver, Canada designed by Arthur C. Erickson.

Once Simon has put River to sleep in the bar, On the floor next to her can clearly be seen an Earth Aliance PPG from the series Babylon 5.

Though the Trade Agent (the elderly man in the Trade Station who unlocks the safe) is played by ‘Weston Nathanson, his voice was dubbed by Joss Whedon. According to Whedon, several of the stand-in voices from the early post-production stage remain in the final film, among them this and Morena Baccarin’s voice as the computer at the beginning of the film.

Contents of Mal’s personal file:
Son of a rancher, born on the planet Shadow.
Bound by law five times:
– Smuggling
– Tariff dodging
– Transporting illegal cargo
Independent Army
57th Brigade
Awarded valor commendation:
Battle of Serenity Valley



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Episode 1: Serenity (1) & (2)

Mal: “We’re not gonna die. We can’t die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so…very…pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die.”

Wash: “Everything looks good from here… (beat…playing with plastic dinosaurs over his console) Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will thrive.”

(as Stegosaurus) “We will rule over all this land, and we will call it… ‘This Land’.” (as T-Rex) “I think we should call it…your grave!”

(Stegosaurus) “Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!”

(T-Rex) “Ha ha HA! Mine is an evil laugh…now die!”

Mal: “I don’t believe there’s a power in the ‘verse that can stop Kaylee from being cheerful.” (he smiles at her, never stopping working) “Sometimes you just wanna duct tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month.”

Jayne: “Ten percent of nuthin’ is…let me do the math here…nuthin’ into nuthin’…carry the nuthin’…”

Mal: “If anyone gets nosy, just…you know… shoot ’em. ”
Zoe: “Shoot ’em?”
Mal: “Politely.”

Book: “I brought you some supper but if you’d prefer a lecture, I’ve a few very catchy ones prepped…sin and hellfire… one has lepers.”

Jayne: “Testing, testing. Captain, can you hear me?”
Mal: “I’m standing right here.”
Jayne: “You’re coming through good and loud.”
Mal: ” ‘Cause I’m standing right here.”

Mal: “Well, you were right about this being a bad idea.” Zoe: “Thanks for sayin’, sir.”

Episode 3: The Train Job

Mal: “I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you.” (Zoe punches the thug out) “Drunks are so cute.”

Mal: (into com) “Wash, we’ve got some local color happening. Your grand entrance would not go amiss right now.”

(Zoe, Mal, and Jayne are backed up against the edge of a cliff by a bunch of drunken brawlers)
Mal: “There’s just an acre of you fellas, ain’t there?” (to Zoe) “This is why we lost, you know. Superior numbers.”
Zoe: “Thanks for the re-enactment, sir.”

Mal: “Well they tell you: never hit a man with a closed fist. But it is, on occasion, hilarious.”

Mal: “Well, what about you, Shepherd? How come you’re flying about with us brigands? I mean, shouldn’t you be off bringing religiosity to the Fuzzie-Wuzzies or some such?”
Book: “Oh, I got heathens aplenty right here.”
Mal: “If I’m your mission, Shepherd, best give it up. You’re welcome on my boat. God ain’t.”

Inara: (pissed) “What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?”
Mal: “That it was manly and impulsive?”
Inara: “Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was ‘don’t’.”

Mal: “And Kaylee, what the hell’s goin’ on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?”

Jayne: “Time for some thrilling heroics.”

Jayne: “These are stone killers, little man. They ain’t cuddly like me.”

Jayne: “Do you know what the chain of command is here? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with to show you who’s in command.”

Episode 4: Bushwhacked

Zoe: “Proximity alert. Must be coming up on something.”
Wash: (alarmed) “Oh my god. What can it be? We’re all doomed! Who’s flying this thing!?” (deadpan) “Oh right, that would be me. Back to work.”

Mal: “It’s a real burn, being right so often.”

Kaylee: “Looks like they’ve jerry-rigged it with a pressure catch. It’s the only thing that’d work with all these spare parts. We could probably bypass that easy, we get to the DC line.”
Mal: “You tell me right now, little Kaylee, you really think you can do this?”
Kaylee: “Sure. Yeah. I think so. ‘Sides, if I mess up, not like you’ll be able to yell at me.”

Alliance Commander: “You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war?”
Zoe: “Fought with a lot of people in the war.”
Alliance Commander: “And your husband?”
Zoe: “Fight with him sometimes, too.”

Alliance Commander: “Seems odd you’d name your ship after a battle you were on the wrong side of.”
Mal: “May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.”

Jayne: “You saved his gorram life, he still takes the cargo. Hwoon dahn.” [Hwoon dahn = “jerk”]
Mal: “He had to…. Couldn’t let us profit. Wouldn’t be civilized.”


Episode 5: Shindig

Wash: (Off an alarm sounding from the console) “Closing in.”
Zoe: “Planet’s coming up a mite fast.”
Wash: “That’s just cause I’m going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.”
Mal: “Well, that happens, let me know.”

Kaylee: (pointing to a pink frilly dress) “Say, look at the fluffy one!”
Zoe: “Too much foofaraw. If I’m going to wear a dress, I’d want something with some slink.”
Wash: “You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?”
Jayne: “I’ll chip in.”
Zoe: (to Jayne) “I can hurt you.”

Mal: “Does, uh… does this seem kind of tight?”
Kaylee: “Shows off your backside. Did you see the chandelier? It’s hovering.”

Kaylee: “These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I– how ’bout that!”
Mal: “Yeah, well, just be careful. We cheated Badger out of good money to buy that frippery, and you’re supposed to make me look respectable.”
Kaylee: “Yessir, Captain Tight Pants.”

Mal: “Okay, help me find our man; he’s supposed to be older. Kind of stocky, wears a red sash crossways.”
Kaylee: “Why does he do that?”
Mal: “Maybe he won the Miss Persephone pageant. Just help me look.”

Harrow: “I know him. And I think he’s a psychotic lowlife.”
Mal: “And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic lowlife community.”

Inara: “Attack.” (Mal lunges at her with sword; she sidesteps and swats him on the butt; he grunts in pain) “How did I avoid that?”
Mal: “By being fast like a freak?”

Harrow: “You have to finish it, lad. You have to finish it. For a man to lay beaten… and yet breathing? It makes him a coward.”
Inara: “It’s humiliation.”
Mal: “Sure. It would be humiliating. Having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man. (lightly stabs Atherton with the sword) Guess I’m just a good man. (stabs him again) Well, I’m all right.”

Harrow: “You didn’t have to wound the man.”
Mal: “Yeah, I know, it was just funny.”

Inara: “Thank you for the wine. It’s very… fresh.”
Mal: “To Kaylee, and her inter-engine fermentation system.”

Inara: “Are you in pain?”
Mal: “Absolutely. I got stabbed, you know. Right here.”
Inara: “I saw.”
Mal: “Don’t care much for fancy parties. Too rough.”
Inara: “It wasn’t entirely a disaster.”
Mal: “I got stabbed! Right here!”

Episode 6: Safe

Mal: “So, she’s added cussing and hurling about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy.”
Simon: “It’s just a bad day.”
Mal: “No, a bad day is when someone’s yellin’ spooks the cattle. Understand? You ever see cattle stampede when they got no place to run? It’s kind of like a…a meat grinder. And it’ll lose us half the herd.”
Simon: “She hasn’t gone anywhere near the cattle.”
Mal: “No, but in case you hadn’t noticed, her voice kinda carries. We’re two miles above ground and they can probably hear her down there. Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed.” (to River) “Although I would take it as a kindness if she didn’t.”
River: “The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.”
Mal: (to Simon) “See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like.”

Book: “That bad?”
Zoe: “Battle wounds are nothing new to me, preacher. I’ve seen men live with a dozen holes in ’em this size.”
Book: “That right?”
Zoe: “Surely is. Knew a man once who had a hole clean through his whole shoulder. Used to keep a spare hankie in there.”

Jayne: (mock reading Simon’s journal) “Dear Diary…today I was pompous and my sister was crazy.” (flips page) “Today, we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever.”

Kaylee: “Well, we’re headed for help… right?”
Zoe: “Captain will come up with a plan.”
Kaylee: “That’s good. Right?”
Zoe: “Possibly you’re not recalling some of his previous plans.”

Zoe: “You sanguine about the kind of reception we’re apt to receive on an Alliance ship, Cap’n?”
Mal: “Absolutely.” (beat) “What’s ‘sanguine’ mean?”
Zoe: ” ‘Sanguine’. Hopeful. Plus — point of interest — it also means ‘bloody’.”
Mal: “Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don’t it?”

Book: “I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God.”
Mal: “No, they don’t. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged.”

Mal: “Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time. Whaddya suppose that makes us?”
Zoe: “Big damn heroes, sir.”
Mal: “Ain’t we just!”

Mal: “Y’all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? Now I’m not saying you weren’t easy to find but it was kinda out of our way, and he didn’t want to come in the first place. Man’s lookin’ to kill some folk. So really, it’s his will y’all should worry about thwarting.” (to Simon) “Gotta say, doctor, your talent for alienatin’ folk is near miraculous.”
Simon: “Yes, I’m very proud.”

Mal: “Cut her down.”
Villager: “The girl is a witch.”
Mal: “Yeah, but she’s our witch-” (cocks gun, points it at him) “-so cut her the hell down.”

Simon: “So finally…a decent wound on this ship, and I miss out. I’m sorry.”
Mal: “Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens.”

Episode 7: Our Mrs. Reynolds

Bandit #1: “And I think maybe you’re gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the missus.”
(Husband) Jayne: “Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature.”
(Wife) Mal: “How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?”
(Husband) Jayne: “If I could make you purtier, I would.”
(Wife) Mal: “You are not the man I met a year ago.” (they suddenly draw their guns on the bandits, Mal slowly pulling his bonnet off)
Mal: “Now think real hard. You been bird-dogging this township a while now. They wouldn’t mind a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet: I will end you.”

Inara: “So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn’t in the dress?”
Mal: “Tactics, woman! Needed her in the back. ‘Sides, them soft cotton dresses feel kind of nice. There’s a whole airflow.”
Inara: “And you would know that because…?”
Mal: “You can’t open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I’m a mystery.”
Inara: “Best keep it that way. I withdraw the question.”

Mal: “Zoe, would you get Wash?”
Zoe: “This is Zoe. We need all personnel in the cargo bay.”
Mal: “‘All?’ I said Wash.”
Zoe: “Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss.”
Mal: “There’s no bliss. I don’t know this girl!”
Jayne: “Then can I know her?”
Zoe: “Jayne, don’t sully this!”
Mal: “You are going to be cleaning out latrines with your face if you don’t cut that out.”

Book: “If you take sexual advantage of her, you’re going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.”

Mal: “I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume I’m an evil, lecherous hump.”
Zoe: “No one’s saying that, sir.”
Wash: “Yeah, we’re pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly.”

Mal: “Are you offering me a trade?”
Jayne: “A trade!? Hell, it’s theft! This is the best damn gun made by man. It has extreme sentimental value. It’s miles more worthy than what you got.”
Mal: “What I got? She has a name.”
Jayne: “So does this!” (caresses the gun lovingly) “I call it Vera.”
Mal: “Well, my days of taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.”

Jayne: “See, Vera? Dress yourself up you get taken out somewhere fun.”

Saffron: “You gonna kill me?”
Mal: “Can you conjure up a terribly compelling reason for me not to?”
Saffron: “I didn’t kill you.”
Mal: “You handed me and my crew over to those that would kill us. That buys you nothing.”
Saffron: (smiles) “I made you dinner.”


Episode 8: Jaynestown

Mal: “You wanna tell me how come there’s a statue of you here, looking at me like I owe him something?”
Jayne: “Wishin’ I could, Captain.”
Mal: “No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me–?”
Jayne: “Look, Mal, I got no ruttin’ idea. I was here a few years back, like I said. Pulled a second-story, stole a lot of scratch from the magistrate up on the hill. But things went way south. I had to hightail it. They don’t…put you on a pedestal in town square for that.”
Mal: “Yeah, but I’m looking at some fair compelling evidence says they do.”
Simon: (staring at the statue) “This must be what going mad feels like.”
Jayne: “Uh, hey, I got a idea. Instead of us hanging around playing art critic ’til I get pinched by the man, how’s about we move away from this eerie-ass piece of work, and get on with our increasingly eerie-ass day. How’s that?”

Book: “What are we up to, sweetheart?”
River: “Fixing your Bible.”
Book: “I, um…(alarmed)…what?”
River: “Bible’s broken. Contradictions, false logistics – doesn’t make sense.” (she’s marked up the bible, crossed out passages)
Book: “No, no. You – you can’t…
River: “So we’ll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God’s creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah’s ark is a problem.”
Book: “Really?”
River: “We’ll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat.” (rips out page)

Mal: “So, that’s where the little ‘Jayne Day Celebration’ we got planned comes in. Should give us enough time to get the goods back onto Serenity.”
Jayne: “I don’t know. You think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks?”
Mal: “You better laugh when you say that.”
Jayne: “No really, Mal, I mean, maybe there’s something to this. The Mudders? I think I really made a difference in their lives. You know — me, Jayne Cobb.”
Mal: “I know your name, jackass.”

Episode 9: Out of Gas

Zoe: “You paid money for this, sir? On purpose?”
Mal: “What? Come on, seriously, Zoe. Whaddya think?”
Zoe: “Honestly, sir? I think you got robbed.”
Mal: “Robbed? What? No. What do you mean?”
Zoe: “It’s a piece of fei-oo.” [fei-oo. = junk]
Mal: “Fei-oo? Okay, she won’t be winning any beauty contests anytime soon. But she’s solid. Ship like this, be with ya ’til the day you die.”
Zoe: “Cause it’s a deathtrap.”

Mal: “Which one do you figured tracked us?”
Zoe: “The ugly one, sir.”
Mal: (beat) “Could you be more specific?”

Mal: “Looks can be deceiving.”
Jayne: “Not as deceiving as a lowdown, dirty… deceiver.”
Mal: “Well said. Wasn’t that well said, Zoe?”
Zoe: “Had a kind of poetry to it, sir.”

Mal: “I mean, let’s say you did kill us… or didn’t. There could be torture – whatever – but somehow, you found the goods. What would your cut be?”
Jayne: “Seven percent, straight off the top.”
Mal: “Seven? Oh.”
Jayne: “What?”
Mal: “Hm? Nothing. Not a thing. No, I just… (to Zoe) does that seem low to you?”
Zoe: “It does, sir.”
Jayne: “That ain’t low.”
Head Robber: “Stop it!”
Jayne: “Seven percent, standard.”
Mal: (laughs) “Okay. Zoe, I’m paying you too much.”

Episode 10: Ariel

Jayne: (remarking on the unappetizing meal Simon’s made for himself) “Smells like crotch.”

Wash: “You know, it’s all very sweet, stealing from the rich, selling to the poor…”

Kaylee: “Figures. First time on the Core and what do I get to do? Dig through trash.”

Mal: “Patients were cynical and not responding and we couldn’t bring ’em back-“
Simon: “They were cyanotic and not responsive.”

Simon: (to Jayne) “What about cortical electrodes?”
Jayne: “Oh…” (obviously doesn’t know the answer) “We forgot ’em.”

Mal: “Pupils were fixed and dilapidated-“
Simon: “Dialated-“
Mal: “Dialated! Dialated! Ching-wao tsao duh liou mahng!” [Ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng = Frog-humping sonofabitch]

Mal: “Now all we need is a coupla patients.”
Simon: “Corpses, actually. For this plan to work, River and I will have to be dead.”
Jayne: (smiling) “I’m starting to like this plan.”

Mal: “Two lefts, two rights, and we’re there. You see anyone, smile.”
Zoe: “I don’t think anyone smiles in hospitals.”
Mal: “Course they do, it’s the Core. Everyone’s rich and happy here, why wouldn’t they smile?”

Pompous Doctor: “Walk with me a minute.”
Mal: “Where’re we going?” (Zoe sneaks away, around and behind the doctor)
Pompous Doctor: “You see this badge? It says ‘doctor’. I say walk, you walk.”
Mal: “Yeah but, where’re we going?”
Pompous Doctor: “You must be new.” (Zoe walks up behind him) “Don’t get comfortable, your type never lasts long around here. When your supervisor hears about the rude and disrespect–ARGH!!!” (falls to the ground, unconscious, revealing Zoe standing behind him with defib paddles)
Zoe: (shrugs) “Clear.”

River: (cryptically to Jayne) “Your toes are in the sand.”
Jayne: “And your head’s up your-“
Simon: “Hey! Back off!”

Zoe: “Can we find someplace with a beach?”
Wash: (grinning and skipping to her) “Maybe a naked beach?” (they kiss)
Mal: “Cut it out. Job’s not done ’til we’re back on Serenity.”
Zoe: “Sorry, sir, didn’t mean to enjoy the moment.”

River: (cryptically to Jayne) “They took Christmas away.”
Jayne: (confused) “What the hell now?”
River: “Came downstairs for the shiny presents…they took the tree, and the stockings…nothing left but coal.”
Jayne: (to Simon) “Would you shut her up?”
River: (to Jayne) “Don’t look in the closet, either — it’s greedy.” (smiles) “It’s not in the spirit of the holiday.”
Jayne: “You shut the hell up right now or so help me, I’ll shut you up.”

Kaylee: “Hey there, Inara! How was your checkup?”
Inara: “Same as last year. What’s going on?”
Kaylee: (cheerfully) “Oh well let’s see…we killed Simon and River, stole a bunch of medicine, and the Cap’n and Zoe are springin’ the others got snatched by the feds.”

Mal: “Hey! How was your thing?”
Inara: “As advertised — lots of needles and cold exam tables. I heard you had some excitement.”
Mal: “Oh, nothin’ much — lotsa runnin’ round, little gunplay…couple needles.”

Simon: “He was amazing! (to Jayne) “We wouldn’t be standing here if it weren’t for you.”
Jayne: “Well, uh…you’re part of my crew.”
Mal: (sarcastic) “I think I might cry.”

Episode 11: War Stories

Book: “Yes, I’d forgotten you’re moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned?”
Simon: “No. But I’m thinking about growing a big black mustache. I’m a traditionalist.”

Mal: “Ah, the pitter patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots.” (to Kaylee and River) “Shut up!”

Wash: “And then came the lying to me about it, which for me is sort of the highlight of this little adventure.”
Zoe: “Is there any way I’m gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?”
Wash: “You’re pretty much down to ritual suicide, lambie-toes.”

Wash: “Didn’t want you taking off without me. In fact, didn’t want you taking off at all. Thought I might take this run instead. Me and the Captain.”
Mal: “The Captain who’s standing right here telling you that’s not gonna happen?”
Wash: “Well, it’s a dangerous mission, sir. I can’t stand the thought of something happening that might cause you two to come back with another thrilling tale of bonding and adventure. I just can’t take that right now.”
Mal: “Okay, um, I’m lost. Uh, I’m angry, and I’m armed, so if you two have something that you need to work out –“

Wash: (to a departing Zoe) “Bye, hon! We promise not to stop for beers with the fellas!” (sits down, starts the engines, then to Mal) “So, are we gonna sing army songs or something?”

Wash: “Hey, I’ve been in a firefight before! Well, I was in a fire.” (beat) “Actually, I was fired from a fry-cook opportunity.”

Wash: “I don’t want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what’s happening, then you tell me. You wouldn’t spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting and possibly scheming. So whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna do. Do you know why? No matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back with the stories. So… I’m Zoe. Now, what do I do?”
Mal: “Probably not talk quite so much.”
Wash: “Right. Less talking. She’s terse. I can be terse. Once in flight school, I was laconic.”

Wash: “I mean, I’m the one she swore to love, honor and obey.”
Mal: “Listen…” (beat) “She swore to obey?”
Wash: “Well, no, not… But that’s just my point! You she obeys! She obeys you! There’s obeying going on right under my nose!”

Zoe: “Preacher, don’t the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?
Book: “Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.”

Episode 12: Trash

Monty: “Damn you, Bridget! Damn you ta Hades! You broke my heart in a million pieces! You made me love you, and then y– I SHAVED MY BEARD FOR YOU, DEVIL WOMAN!”

Mal: “Woman, you are completely off your nut.”

Jayne: “Woah there, Cap’n…tell me you didn’t get into a fight with Monty.”
Kaylee: “Really? But I thought we loved Monty!” (to Zoe, uncertain) “Don’t we love Monty?”
Zoe: “Sweetie, if he had a tussle with that sasquatch, we’d be in the dirt right about now, scoopin’ up the Captain’s teeth.”

Mal: “Well this is one of the crazier things I’ve heard today and when I tell you about the rest of my day, you’ll appreciate…”

Mal: “Hey, no, we’ll just set course for Planet of the Lonely, Rich, and Appropriately Hygienic Man. I’ll just tell Wash, we can park there for a month.”

Inara: “Right. You’re a criminal mastermind. What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?”
Mal: “We made a perfectly good piece-“
Inara: “What was the cargo?”
Mal: “They were dolls.”
Inara: “They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled!”

Mal: “Petty?”
Inara: “I didn’t mean petty.”
Mal: “What did you mean?”
Inara: “Suo-shee?”
Mal: “That’s Chinese for petty.”

Jayne: “Captain says you’re to stay put. Doesn’t want you runnin’ afoul of his blushin’ psychotic bride. She figures out who you are, she’ll turn you in ‘fore you can say… ‘don’t turn me in, lady’.”

River: (looking at Jayne) “She’s a liar.”
Jayne: “That don’t exactly set her apart from the rest of us. And the plunder sounds fun enough.”
River: “She’s a liar and no good will come of her.”
Jayne: “Well, I say as a rule that girlfolk ain’t to be trusted.”
River: “Jayne is a girl’s name.”

Jayne: “She starts on that ‘girl’s name’ thing, I’m gonna show her good an’ all I got man parts.”
Simon: “I’m trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. It’s just not coming.”

River: “Also? I can kill you with my brain.”

Saffron: “He’s my husband.”
Mal: “Well who in the damn galaxy ain’t?”

Mal: “I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we gotta move.”

Saffron: “I should’ve killed Durran.”
Mal: “Right. The one guy that don’t have it coming. The man who knows you and still loves you, treachery and all. Can’t have him walking about.”

Saffron: “You won’t tell anyone about me breaking down?
Mal: “I won’t.”
Saffron: “Then I won’t tell anyone how easily I got your gun out of your holster.”
Mal: “I’d take that as a kindness.”

Episode 13: The Message

Wash: “Oh my god, it’s grotesque! Oh, and there’s something in a jar.”

Zoe: “Scared her away again, did you?”
Simon: “This may come as a shock, but I’m actually not very good at talking to girls.”
Zoe: “Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?”

Wash: (to a jar with a cow fetus, mock-serious) “Do not fear me. Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony…”

River: (trying to eat an ‘ice-planet’) “My food is problematic.”

Jayne: “I got post?”
Book: “Might we all want to step back a few paces before he opens that?”
Jayne: “Ha ha. It’s from my mother.”

Jayne: (wearing ugly homemade hat) “How’s it sit? Pretty cunning, don’tchya think?”
Kaylee: “I think it’s the sweetest hat ever.”
Book: “Makes a statement.”
Jayne: “Yeah, yeah!”
Wash: “A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he’s not afraid of anything.”
Jayne: “Damn straight.”

Tracey: “Thanks. Didn’t know you were there.”
Zoe: “That’s sort of the point. Stealth, you may have heard of it.”
Tracey: “I don’t think they covered that in basic.”
Zoe: “Well, at least they covered ‘Dropping your weapon so you can eat beans and get yourself shot’.”
Tracey: “Yeah, I got a badge in that.” (seriously) “Won’t happen again.”
Zoe: “It does, I’m just gonna watch.”

Mal: “Oh! That was bracing. They don’t like it when you shoot at them. I worked that out myself.”

Mal: “Vitelli’s out of it. That bumblebee laid down arms at the first sign of inevitable crushing defeat, can you imagine such a cowardly creature?”

Jayne: “We’re taking him on board?”
Mal: “We are.”
Jayne: “Don’t figure the percentage in that.”
Mal: “Don’t strain your brain trying, then. Might break something.”

Episode 14: Heart of Gold

Mal: “You know, it ain’t altogether wise, sneaking up on a man when he’s handling his weapon.”
Inara: “I’m sure I’ve heard that said. But perhaps the dining area isn’t the place for this sort of thing?”
Mal: “What do you mean? Only place with a table big enough.”
Inara: “Of course. In that case…” (rearranges guns) “Every well-bred petty crook knows — the small concealable weapons always go to the far left of the place setting.”

Mal: “This distress call wouldn’t be taking place in someone’s pants, would it?”
Inara: “It sounds like the sort of thing this crew can handle. I can’t guarantee they’ll handle it particularly well, but-“
Nandi: “If they got guns, and brains at all…”
Inara: “They have guns.”

Zoe: “No one’s gonna force you to go, Jayne. As has been stated — this job’s strictly speculative.”
Jayne: “Good. ‘Cause I don’t know these folks, don’t much care to.”
Mal: “They’re whores.”
Jayne: “I’m in.”

Mal: “Any friend of Inara’s is a strictly business-like relationship of mine.”

Jayne: (calls out from across the room) “Can I start gettin’ sexed already?”
Mal: “Well, that’s one kind of horrific.”

Kaylee: “Everybody’s got somebody…” (wistfully) “Wash, tell me I’m pretty…”
Wash: “Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.”
Kaylee: ” ‘Cause I’m pretty?”
Wash: ” ‘Cause you’re pretty.”
Kaylee: “Thank you. That was very restorative.”

Mal: “Inara, think you could stoop to being on my arm?”
Inara: “Will you wash it first?”

Mal: “Well, lady I must say…” (admiring smile) “…you’re my kinda stupid.”

Kaylee: “Captain seem a little funny to you at breakfast this morning?”
Wash: “Come on, Kaylee. We all know I’m the funny one.”

Episode 15: Objects in Space

Mal: “When I want a lot of medical jargon, I’ll talk to a doctor.
Simon: “You are talking to a doctor.”
Mal: “Yeah, okay, my point is could’ve been you she might have shot just then. The doctor, as you just made note of. And who exactly could fix you? Not nobody. We’re deep in space, corner of No and Where. You take extra care with her…’cause we’re very much alone out here.”

Wash: “Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What’ll she do next?”
Zoe: “Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It’s a toss-up.”
Wash: “I hope she does the soup thing. It’s always a hoot, and we don’t all die from it.”

Mal: “But she does have an oddness to her. And I ain’t just talking about her proficiency with firearms. Girl knows things. Things she shouldn’t. Things she couldn’t.”
Jayne: “Wha-…are you-are you sayin’ she’s a witch?”
Wash: (sarcastically) “Yes, Jayne. She’s a witch. She has had congress with the beast.”
Jayne: “She’s in Congress?”
Wash: (amazed) “How did your brain even learn human speech? I’m just so curious.”

Wash: “Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction.”
Zoe: “We live in a space ship, dear.”

Early: “You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget, this girl is the smallest cargo I’ve ever had to transport. Yet by far the most troublesome. Does that seem right to you?”
Simon: “What’d he do?”
Early: “Who?”
Simon: “The midget.”
Early: “Arson. Little man loved fire.”

IPB Image

MOVIE: Serenity


Mal: “What was that?”
Wash: “Did you see that?”
Mal: “Was that the primary buffer panel?”
Wash: “Did seem to resem-“
Mal: “Did the primary buffer panel just fall off my gorram ship for no apparent reason?!”

Wash: “Yeah well, if she doesn’t give us some extra flow from the engine room to offset the burn through, this landing is gonna get pretty interesting.”
Mal: “Define interesting.”
Wash: “Oh god oh god we’re all gonna die?”
Mal: “This is the captain. We have a…little problem with our engine sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then…explode.”

Mal: “Yeah well, just get us on the ground.”
Wash: “That part will happen pretty definitely.”

Jayne: “We’re gonna explode? I don’t wanna explode.”
Mal: “Jayne, how many weapons you plannin’ on takin’? You only got the two arms.”
Jayne: “Well I just excitable as to choice, like to have my options open.”
Mal: “I don’t plan on any shooting taking place during this job.”
Jayne: “Yeah well, what you plan and what takes place ain’t ever exactly been similar.”

Zoe: “Those grenades?”
Jayne: “Yeah, Cap’n don’t want ’em.”
Zoe: “Jayne, we’re robbing the place, we’re not occupying ’em.”

Mal: (ship shakes violently) “Kaylee, what in the spincter o’ hell you playing at?”

Mal: “Fear’s nothin’ to be ashamed of, doctor.”
Simon: “This isn’t fear. This is anger.”
Mal: “Well. Kinda hard to tell one from t’other, face like yours.”
Simon: “Well I imagine if it were fear, my eyes would be wider.”
Mal: “Hmm. I’ll keep a look out for that next time.”

Mal: “I look out for me and mine. That don’t include you ‘less I conjure it does. Now you stuck a thorn in the Alliance’s paw — that tickles me a bit. But it also means I gotta step twice as fast to avoid ’em, and that means turnin’ down plenty of jobs. Even honest ones. Put this crew together with the promise of work, which the Alliance makes harder every year. Come a day there won’t be room for naughty men like us to slip about at all. This job goes south, there well not be another. So here’s us, on the raggedy edge.”

Mal: “Hey little one. Understand your part in all this?”
River: “Do you?”
Mal: “This is what I do, darlin’. This is what I do.”

Mal: “Quit fiddlin’. Have the boat run smooth when we get back.”
Kaylee: “Have faith, Cap’n.”
Mal: “Not today.”

Simon: “Now River, stay behind the others. If there’s fighting, you drop to the floor and run away.” (stage whispers) “It’s okay to leave them to die.”

Mal: “Doctor, I’m taking your sister under my protection here. If anything happens to her, anything at all, I swear to you, I will get very choked up. Honestly, there could be tears.”

Jayne: “Shiny. Let’s be bad guys.”

Mal: “Y’all want to be lookin’ very intently at your own bellybuttons. See a head start to rise, violence is going to ensue. Probably guessed we mean to be thievin’ here but what we’re after’s not yours, so…let not have no undue fuss.”

Zoe: (sliding gun barrel alongside security guard’s face) “You know what the definition of a hero is? Someone who gets other people killed. You can look it up later.”

Zoe: (on mostly empty safe) “At last. We can retire and give up this life of crime.”

Mal: (to unseen guard in vault below) “Listen up! We’re comin’ down to empty that vault.”
Guard: “You have to give me your authorization password.” (Jayne points gun down the the stairwell and fires several rounds) “Okay.”

Mal: (negotiating with guard where to shoot him) “The leg is good. It’ll bleed plenty and we avoid any necessary organs.”
Guard: “I was thinking more of a graze?”
Mal: “Well you don’t want to look like you just gave up.”

Mal: (on Reaver ship coming up behind) “Faster! Faster! Faster would be better!”
Jayne: “You shoot me if they take me!” (sees Mal’s gun pointed at his leg) “Well don’t shoot me first!”

Simon: “River!”
River: “I swallowed a bug.”

Kaylee: (pushes aside severely injured Jayne, to Simon) “Are you okay?!”
Mal: (offended) “Is he okay?”

Simon: “Oh ‘one simple job, she’ll be fine’!”
Mal: “She is fine! ‘Cept for still bein’ crazy she’s the picture of health!”

Mal: “Mule won’t run with five. I shoulda dumped the girl, or you, or Jayne? Well, Jayne…”

Zoe: “Sir, I don’t disagree on any particular point. It’s just…in a time of war, we would’ve never left a man stranded.”
Mal: “Maybe that’s why we lost.”

Jayne: “I’ll kill a man in a fair fight. Or if I think he’s gonna start a fair fight. Or if he bothers me. Or if there’s a woman. Or if I’m gettin’ paid. Mostly when I’m gettin’ paid.”

Jayne: “Eating people alive? Where’s that get fun?”

Kaylee: (clearly upset) “Don’t talk to the barkers, talk to the captains. Look the captain in the eye, know who you’re dealin’ with.”
Simon: “I wish there was-” (Mal brushes past, glares)
Kaylee: “Shouldna be so clean. It’s a dead giveaway you don’t belong, you always gotta be tidy. Don’t pay anybody in advance. And don’t ride in anything with a Capasan-38 engine, they fall right outta the sky.”

Mal: “Kaylee, this is a place of business. We can talk about Simon-“
Kaylee: “When he’s four worlds away? Or the Alliance gets ahold of him and River?”
Mal: “That ain’t my worry. I gotta finish this job, get us another one. Can’t do that carryin’ those two.”
Kaylee: “How can you be so cold?”
Zoe: “Cap’n didn’t make them fugitives.”
Kaylee: “But he coulda made ’em family. ‘stead of keepin’ Simon from seein’ I was there. And I carried such a torch! And we coulda…goin’ on a year now and I ain’t had nothin’ twixt my nethers weren’t run on batteries!”
Mal: (horrified) “Oh God! I can’t know that!”
Jayne: “I could stand to hear more.”

Mal: “Fanti. Mingo.”
Mingo: “He’s Mingo”
Mal: “He’s Fanti, you’re Mingo.”
Mingo: “How is it you always know?”
Mal: “Fanti’s prettier.”

Wash: “Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a ninety-pound girl, ’cause I don’t think that’s ever gettin’ old.”

Simon: “It’s a phrase, that makes her fall asleep. If I speak the words ‘eta chora-“
Jayne: (jumps out of his chair) “Don’t say it!”
Zoe: “It only works on her, Jayne.”
Jayne: “Well now I know that.”

Jayne: “No, not now that she’s a…a killer woman, we oughtta be bringin’ her tea and dumplings!”

Mal: “It’s of interest to me, how much you seem to know about that world.”
Book: “Wasn’t born a Shepherd, Mal.”
Mal: “You’ll have to tell me about that sometime.”
Book: “No. I don’t.”

Wash: “Inara…nice to see her again.”
Zoe: (beat) “So…trap?”
Mal: “Trap.”
Zoe: “We goin’ in?”
Mal: “Ain’t but a few hours out.”
Wash: (confused) “Yeah, but…remember the part where it’s a trap?”
Mal: “If that’s the case then Inara’s already caught in it. She wouldn’t set us up willin’. Might be we get a shot at seein’ who’s turnin’ these wheels. We go in.”
Kaylee: “But how can you be sure Inara don’t just wanna see you? Sometimes people have feelings. I’m referring here to people.”
Mal: “Y’all were watchin’, I take it?”
Kaylee: (everyone looks guilty) “Yes.”
Mal: “Did you see us fight?”
Kaylee: “No.”
Mal: “Trap.”

Mal: “Zoe, ship is yours. Remember: if anything happens to me, if you don’t hear from me within the hour, you take the ship — and you come and you rescue me.”
Zoe: “What? Risk my ship?”

Mal: (kneeling at altar, in disguise) “Dear Buddha: please bring me a pony, and a plastic rocket-”
Inara: “Mal, what are you doing here?!”
Mal: “Well, you invited me.”
Inara: “I never thought for a second you’d be stupid enough to come!”
Mal: “Well that makes you kind of a tease, doesn’t it?”

Operative: “I have to say, Captain: I’m impressed that you would come for her yourself. And that you would make it this far…in that outfit.”

Operative: “I think you’re beginning to understand how dangerous River Tam is.”
Mal: “She is a mite unpredictable. Mood swings, of a sort.”
Operative: “It’s worse than you know.”
Mal: “It usually is.”

Operative: “That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship. She is an albatross, Captain.”
Mal: “Way I remember it, albatross was a ship’s good luck, ’til some idiot killed it.” (to Inara) “Yes, I’ve read a poem, try not to faint.”

Operative: “I have a warship in deep orbit, Captain. We locked onto Serenity’s pulse beacon the moment you hit atmo. I can speak a word and send a missile to that exact location inside of three minutes.”
Mal: “You do that,” (pulls out Serenity’s pulse beacon) “you’d best make peace with your dear and fluffy Lord.”

Mal: “I never credited the Alliance with an overabundance of brains, and if you’re the best they’ve got-“
Operative: “Captain Reynolds, I should tell you, so that you don’t waste your time: you can’t make me angry.”
Inara: “Please. Spend an hour with him.”

Inara: “We have every reason to be afraid.”
Jayne: “Why because this guy beat up Mal? That ain’t so hard.”

Inara: “Think maybe it poses some kind of threat to the Alliance?”
Wash: “Do we care? A-Are we caring about that?”

Jayne: “Oh yeah, hidin’ up the Shepherd’s skirts, that’s a manful scheme.”
Mal: “You wanna run this ship?!”
Jayne: “Yes!”
Mal: “Well y-…you can’t!”

Simon: “We’ll get off. River and I will get off at Haven-“
Kaylee: “Nobody’s saying that.”
Wash: “Nobody besides Jayne is saying that.”

Mal: “Shouldn’t’ve been you. Alliance shoulda hit us. Shoulda hit me.”
Book: “That crossed my mind.”

Book: “I killed the ship that…killed us. It’s not very Christian of me.”
Mal: “You did what’s right.”
Book: “Coming from you that means…almost nothing.”

Jayne: “She is starting to damage my calm.”

Mal: “So no more runnin’. I aim to misbehave.”

Jayne: “Shepherd Book used to tell me, ‘Can’t do somethin’ smart, do somethin’ right’.”

Zoe: “It’s a fair bet the Alliance knows about Mr. Universe. They’re gonna see this comin’.”
Mal: “No. They’re not gonna see this comin’.”

Operative: “Target the Reavers…target the Reavers…target everyone…somebody FIRE!”

Wash: “I’m a leaf on the wind…watch how I soar.”
Mal: (watching battle around them in grim satisfaction) “Chickens come home to roost.”
Wash: (flying debris glances off ship’s hull, rattling everyone) “It’s okay…I-I’m a leaf on the wind.”

Jayne: “Cap’n’s right. Can’t be thinkin’ on revenge if we’re gonna get through this.”
Zoe: “Do you really think any of us are gonna get through this?”
Jayne: (looks around, anxious) “Well I might.”

Mr. Universe (via his buffybot): “Mal. Guy killed me, Mal. He killed me with a sword. How weird is that?”

Simon: “My one regret in all of this, is never being with you.”
Kaylee: “With me? You mean to say…sex?”
Simon: “I mean to say.”
Kaylee: “Hell with this…I’m gonna live!”

Mal: (pulling himself up after being shot) “Shot me in the back! Haven’t made you angry, have I?”
Operative: “Do you really believe that?”
Mal: “I do.”
Operative: “You willing to die for that belief?”
Mal: “I am.” (pulls out his gun and shoots at the Operative repeatedly) “Course, that ain’t exactly Plan A.”

Zoe: “How much ammo do we have?”
Jayne: “Three full mags. And my swingin’ cod.”

Operative: “Do you know what your sin is?”
Mal: “Aw hell. I’m a fan of all seven.”

Operative: “You’ve done remarkable things. But you’re fighting a war you’ve already lost.”
Mal: “Yeah well, I’m known for that.”

Mal: “Ain’t all buttons and charts, little albatross. Know what the first rule of flying is? Well I s’pose you do, since you already know what I’m ’bout to say.”
River: “I do. But I like to hear you say it.”
Mal: “Love. Can know all the math in the ‘verse but take a boat in the air that you don’t love? She’ll shake you off just as sure as a turn in the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughtta fall down…tell you she’s hurtin’ ‘fore she keens…makes her a home.”

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Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds CAPTIAN Nathan Fillion

Having fought as a Browncoat on the losing, but not necessarily the wrong, side in the war against the Alliance, Mal Reynolds is in need of a job and a home. Falling in love with a Firefly class spaceship, he buys it and names it Serenity, then gathers together his necessary crew, fellow Browncoat Zoe, Pilot Wash and mechanic, Kaylee. Flying just below the radar of The Alliance they take on less than legitimate ‘jobs’ and various passengers. A man who lives by is own moral code, Mal is loyal to himself, his ship and his crew and does what needs to be done to keep them alive.

Zoe Washbourne FIRST OFFICER Gina Torres

Having fought by Mal’s side in the war against the Alliance, Zoe is a tough soldier with a soft core and is extremely loyal to Mal, having only once disobeyed his orders and gone right ahead and married Wash, the ship’s pilot (despite having taken an instant distlike to him) with whom she is fiercely in love.

Jayne Cobb
Jayne Cobb MERCENARY Adam Baldwin

Jayne Cobb, a mercenary through and through, unwittingly becomes the Hero of Canton (a planet whose only produce is mud) by robbing the magistrate and, when faced with survival issues, dropping the money on the planets poor. Jayne and his gun, Vera, join the crew of Serenity and although not the brightest of men, is handy in a fight if rather too ready to sell his crew mates out for the right price.

Kaywinnit Lee ‘Kaylee’ Frye ENGINEER Jewel Staite

A young yet extremely talented mechanic, Kaylee wins a place on Serenity when she is found in a compromising situation with the former mechanic, but proves herself to be much better with the engine. Bright, energetic and, despite her usual attire of overalls, with a hankering after frilly pink dresses, Kaylee is full of life and there is a soft spot in everyone’s heart for her. Kaylee soon falls for the ship’s doctor and fugitive, Simon, but something always seems to get in the way of their relationship.

Hoban ‘Wash’ Washbourne PILOT Alan Tudyk

An experienced and excellent pilot with a taste for Hawaiian shirts and dinasours, Wash is (mostly) cool and calm under pressure, which is handy as he often has to fly Serenity out of some rather sticky situations. Falling in love with Zoe he marries her, despite Mal’s protestations and he is very protective of his lovely wife, especially when her loyalties appear to lie with the captain rather than her husband.

Inara Serra COMPANION Morena Baccarin

As a registered companion Inara has left the plant where she trained and now rents one of Serenity’spods acting as Ambassador for the crew. Exquistively beautiful and with a mysterious past, Inara chooses her clients carefully and will take both male and female ones (much to Jayne’s delight). She has a gentle and caring nature and can see through Mal’s ruthless exterior to the good soul within yet she cannot speak of her love .It is this unspoken love between them, that forces her to make the decision to leave the ship that she loves.

Simon Tam

From a wealthy family background, Dr Simon Tam was an excellent and talented doctor with a promising medical career. That is until he discovered that his equally talented and brilliant sister, River, is being experimented on my Alliance scientists, he gives up his career to rescue her and smuggles her aboard Serenity. Despite his efforts to discover what the government have done to her and a suitable treatment, River remains a mystery, sometimes coherent and at other times, not so much. On the ship, he falls for mechanic. Kaylee, though every time they seem to be getting close he inevitably manages to say the wrong thing.

River Tam
River Tam PASSENGER Summer Glau

From a wealthy family background River was an exceptionally, gifted student being able to turn her hand to everything and anything. Finding what appeared to be a challenging Government college, she insisted on enrolling. But the college wasn’t all it seemed to be and she found herself expeirmemted on at the hands of Government scientists. In an effort to alert her family to what was happening River wrote in code to her brother, Simon, who, despite his parents protestations, rescued her and smuggled her on to Serenity where they became fugitives. Despite his best efforts, Simon has yet to fully determine what was done to River except that they removed a part of her brain that enabled her to block fear. We have much yet to learn of River, who at times appears naive and childlike, and at others like an extremely highly trained and lethal assasin.

Shepherd Book
Shepherd Derrial Book MISSIONARY Ron Glass

A Shepherd apparantly looking to get away from city life and travel and believeing that the way you get someplace is more important than where you go. Book joins Serenity and is soon wondering if he’s really on the right ship. But with a dubious connection to the Alliance. a mean punch and scary hair, we find ourslelves wondering just exactly why he is on this ship.

The Operative ALLIANCE AGENT Chiwetel Ejiofor

An Alliance agent, The Operative doesn’t have a rank or ID. He is a deadly, lethal assasin with just one goal in which he firmly believes and will stop at nothing to achieve, no matter how many innocent lives he may take in the process. His goal: To retrieve River Tam.


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3rd Rock From the Sun
3rd Rock From the Sun

 3rd Rock from the Sun

Premiered: Jan. 09, 1996
Status: Completed/Ended
Runtime:30 min.
Aired: 1996 – 2001
To-Date: 6 Seasons 139 Episodes
 NBC TV Network
– comedy – alien – family      

Series Description:

3rd rock from the sun-show3rd Rock From The Sun premiered on NBC on January 9, 1996. The series is about a group of aliens who come to Earth to study the life here. They need to blend in, so they take on human forms and names. they know nothing about being human or even that we have male and female sexes. The high commander of the mission, Dick, gets a job as a professor at the university and meets the love of his life, Dr. Mary Albright. The other crew members take on various forms. Sally, the mission’s first officer who is in charge of security, has to be the woman. Depending on the show she either likes or hates this. Tommy, who is the intelligence officer and is actually the oldest crew member, gets to be a teenage boy complete with teenage hormones and teenage emotions. And then there’s Harry. Harry doesn’t seem to have a purpose on the mission other than communicating with the “Big Giant Head” (their boss who is light years away). In fact, Harry doesn’t seem to do much of anything well. But he makes a hysterical job of his ineptness. The humor in the show is that by trying to learn about humans and fit in, they point out to us, the audience, things that are interesting, funny, sad, or just plain bizarre about our species. This, along with being the funniest show on television, makes it hip beyond hip.  

Opening Narrative:

3rd Rock From the Sun 002(Episodes 2-9; Narrator: James Earl Jones) “As many intelligent people know, aliens are all around us. This is the story of a band of four such explorers. In order to blend in, they have assumed human form. (Dick Solomon Appears) This is the High Commander. He has assembled an elite team of experts. (Sally Solomon Appears) A decorated military officer. (Tommy Solomon Appears) A seasoned intelligence specialist. (Harry Solomon Appears) And… well, they had an extra seat. They say the Earth started with just two humans, now there are 5 billion of them … someone needs to turn a hose on them.

(Note: Episodes 2-9 then continued with a quip that changed each week:)

Episode #2: “The earth is a primitive place, notable for its pollution, squandered resources, and violent upheavals. But man, you should taste the doughnuts!” Episode #3: “The earth revolves around the sun. But ask most humans, they’ll say it revolves around them.” Episode #4: “The people of earth sometimes divide against each other based on national origin or skin color. Of course, no one else in the galaxy can tell them apart.” Episode #5: “The earth is actually two-thirds water…about the equivalent of scotch at a cheap wedding.” Episode #6: “They say earth started with just two humans. Now there are five billion of them. Someone needs to turn a hose on them.” Episode #7: “The earth is populated by millions of beautiful women. And those who aren’t beautiful have great personalities.” Episode #8: “The earth is covered with a deep, hard crust … although it does have a wonderful chewy center.” Episode #9: “Earth is a place where backing down causes ego problems, and backing up causes severe tire damage.”

(Note: Thereafter, the entire opening narrative was changed to this short version:)

“As many intelligent people know, aliens are all around us. This is the story of four such explorers.”

(Note: Later, in syndication, the shortened version was used for all episodes!)


 Cast and Characters

Dr. Dick Solomonplayed by John Lithgow Dr. Dick Solomon played by John Lithgow Sally Solomonplayed by Kristen Johnston Sally Solomon played by Kristen Johnston
Harry Solomonplayed by French Stewart Harry Solomon played by French Stewart Tommy Solomonplayed by Joseph Gordon-Levitt Tommy Solomon played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Dr. Mary Albrightplayed by Jane Curtin Dr. Mary Albright played by Jane Curtin Officer Don Orvilleplayed by Wayne Knight Officer Don Orville played by Wayne Knight
Nina Campbellplayed by Simbi Khali Nina Campbell played by Simbi Khali Mrs. Mamie Dubcekplayed by Elmarie Wendel Mrs. Mamie Dubcek played by Elmarie Wendel

 3rd Rock from the Sun – Character Guide

Season 1Season 1Episodes: 20 Aired: 1996
Season 2Season 2Episodes: 26 Aired: 1996 – 1997
Season 3Season 3Episodes: 27 Aired: 1997 – 1998
Season 4Season 4Episodes: 24 Aired: 1998 – 1999
Season 5Season 5Episodes: 22 Aired: 1999 – 2000
Season 6Season 6Episodes: 20 Aired: 2000 – 2001

3rd Rock From the Sun logo
In the first 3rd Rock from the Sun episode where William Shatner appeared as the “Big Giant Head”, he and Dick Solomon (John Lithgow) both say that they once had a terrible airplane ride. That was a reference to the fact that both actors appeared in a Twilight Zone segment titled, “Nightmare At 20,000 Feet” where their characters saw a monster ripping apart their airplane while no one else on board saw anything. Shatner’s appearance was in 1963 on an episode of the original Twilight Zone TV show and Lithgow’s was in the 1983 Twilight Zone movie remake of the same story. Did you ever notice that the main male characters’ names on 3rd Rock from the Sun were “Tom, Dick, and Harry”? NBC changed 3rd Rock From The Sun’s time-slot a dozen times during its run! Did you notice that Dick Solomon’s dialogue got pretty technical once in a while for a goofy comedy? In order to add some authenticity to John Lithgow’s character, Physicist Brian Greene wrote some of his lines. One of Dick Solomon’s students on 3rd Rock from the Sun was named, “Leon”. He was played by actor Ian Lithgow, John Lithgow’s real-life son!

 3rd Rock from the Sun Quotes


Season 1

Brains and Eggs

Dick: Can anyone get their head to swivel to the rear? (no) Then how are you suppose to lick your back!?

Dick: I think we’ve underestimated the life on this planet. The people have so much courage. Here they are hurling through space on a molten rock at 67000 miles an hour and the only thing that keeps them from flying out of their shoes is their misplaced faith in gravity.

Dick: Sally, I want you to observe her, find out what women on this planet do.
Sally: Why can’t Harry do it?
Dick: Because you’re the woman.
Sally: That brings up a very good question: why am I the woman?
Dick: Because you lost.

Dick: Oh good you’re here. Did you copy the mainframe from the library?
Tommy: Uh, I got a little distracted.
Dick: Again? What happened?
Tommy: Well, I was watching these women play volleyball. And they were all jumping. Up. And down. Up. And down. With these little shorts, and some of them can’t jump as high as the others, but it’s okay. I mean, it’s more than okay, it’s really okay. I mean–
Dick: What is wrong with you?!
Tommy: I don’t know.
Dick: We can’t leave without that information, so access the net, download, and go straight home as soon as you’re finished.
Tommy: Why are you talking to me like I’m a child?
Dick: You are a child.
Tommy: I’m older than you.
Dick: Well, now I’m bigger. And on this planet size matters.

Sally: Dick, women are trouble. I should know! I’ve been one for two weeks!
Dick: I know, which brings up another point. I command you to shave under your arms.
Sally: Doable. I’m sorry you find me so offensive (tears up)
Dick: Dammit! Pull yourself together, man! We’re going out.
Sally: Ok, give me an hour.
Dick: An hour?
Sally: I got to rotate these (indicating breasts). It’s a party!

Dick: I want very much to feel, and to be felt. And I mean that from the heart of my bottom.

Harry: Women. You can’t live with ’em, and yet they’re everywhere.

Post Nasal Dick

Dick: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. (flips to the back of the book) I’m not going to read 380 pages if he can’t even make up his mind in the first sentence!

Tommy: Sally, you’re amazing. As sick as you are, you keep taking care of us.
Sally: Yeah, I know. I don’t understand. All I want to do is curl up into a ball, and yet somehow I feel compelled to nurture you. God, what a cruel disease!

Minister: We are gathered here, before God….
Dick: Now, which one of those guys is God?
Mary: Will you be quiet?
Dick: Okay, but be sure to introduce me later, because I want some answers.

Dick: Mary, there’s something I have to tell you. I come from another world.
Mary: And this is news?

Dick: You know, you have to admire these humans. Their lives are so fragile, and yet they are willing to commit to each other for a lifetime.
Sally: Or an afternoon with some petri dish in a miniskirt.
Tommy: Hey, hey! At least I’m getting some here, alright?

Dick’s First Birthday

Dick: [reading the Bible] Man, these people begat their brains out!

Dick: Dr. Albright, have I been a perfect ass?
Mary: Aw, nobody’s perfect.

Dick Is From Mars, Sally Is From Venus

Sally: You just can’t imagine what it feels like, Dick. It’s like he reached in… and pulled all the bones out of my body… [starts crying]
Dick: My God, what are you doing?
Sally: [wipes her tears] Apparently I’m leaking!
Dick: Well, stop!

Tommy: [pointing to the stars] I’ve been there and there and there and there…
Harry: Wow. The long, boring stories you must have.

Dick, Smoker

Dick: We suck, we blow — a posse of oral fixators. Let them try and ban smoking, for if they do!.. They’ll just have a bunch of SMOKING OUTLAWS on their hands!

Harry: By the second day I could hear my inner voice, too.
Tommy: What was it saying?
Harry: I have no idea, I don’t speak French.

Green-Eyed Dick

[Sally walks into the men’s locker room]
Man: Hey, it says “men” on the door!
Sally: And you made the cut?

Dick: [to Jeff] You think you’re pretty clever, don’t you? I happen to know that every word in your book was published years ago! Perhaps you’ve read…the dictionary!

Lonely Dick

[Tommy and August meet for the first time]
August: I’m August. Don’t call me “Augy”.
Tommy: I’m Tommy. Don’t call me “Augy” either…

Dick: I’m sure you can defeat a simple door lock.
[Tommy breaks through the window with his hand and unlocks the door]
Dick: What are you doing?! Now this is breaking and entering! It’s illegal!
Tommy: What’d you expect me to do? Beam you in?

Body & Soul & Dick

Harry: (holding the remote) This is the second most exciting thing I have ever held in my hand.

Sally: How would you like your eyes in the bottom of a martini glass, ’cause I can do it?
Dr. Hamlin: [sounding delighted] Oh, the Amazon is going to manhandle me!

Harry: Oh, Dick, we’ve got cable! Seventy-two channels! And unlike primitive free television this one you get to pay for.

Dick: How can we honor the memory of a man like Leonard Hanlin? well……he was governed by the laws of physics as are all living things. it is a scientific fact that hearts and clocks slow down as they approach the speed of light, the point at which matter is converted into energy. Dr. Hanlin’s heart approached that speed on friday evening at 7:57 according to the coroner, converting his matter into energy, into pure white light. Though he is no longer with us, he is all around us.
Mary: That was absolutely beautiful.
Tommy: Converting matter to energy?
Sally: Could you have been more trite?
Harry: Why didn’t you just phone it in?


Sally: I’ll give you your promotion if you don’t say the word “really” in the next sixty seconds.
Harry: Really?
Sally You lose!

Dick: So, no matter how obnoxious you are, how much of a burden you become, you can still count on the forgiveness of your family?
Mary: Yeah.
Dick: Even if they touch your radio and refuse to make smoked chub and disobey your orders not to kill?
Mary: Yeah… even then.
Dick: That is so beautiful!

Truth or Dick

[opera plays on the car radio]
Harry: Dick, remember how I said I wanted to learn to sing? I’ve changed my mind.

Nina: I knew you had a thing for her.
Dick: Yes, but I understand I’m not allowed to show it to her without her permission.

Sally: Wait a minute, something about this doesn’t wash. She’s doing something (gasps) Now I remember! I read about this. She’s distorting the truth!
Dick: Dr. Albright would never lie to me.
Sally: Oh wake up and snort the coffee. (pause) Just because you don’t lie doesn’t mean people here don’t.
Dick: We’re colleagues! I trust her! I command you to be like her!
Sally: Like what?
Dick: Like a woman.
Sally: Fine! I can woman.

Tommy: Commander, permission to speak freely.
Dick: Granted.
Tommy: As the oldest member of this crew, I feel it’s my duty to inform you all that this planet both wipes and sucks. In that order.

Mrs. Dubcek: Poor kid. I remember what it’s like to be your age.
Tommy: I remember what it’s like to be yours.

The Art of Dick

[Harry is looking for a job offer in the newspaper]
Harry: Here’s a job I could do; “Police seek third gunman.” Well, tomorrow I’m gonna march over to the police station and tell them that I’m the man they’re looking for!

Dick: [talking about art] What makes them strive to create this?
Tommy: Naked women.
Dick: These are not naked women, they’re nudes. Nudity is the artist’s passionate celebration of the human form.
Tommy: [taking an art book] Well, party on!

Frozen Dick

[Harry explains how he’s reorganized the movies at Gung-Ho Videos]
Harry: [refers to one rack] Good movies. [refers to another rack] Bad movies. [refers to the rest of the room] Movies I haven’t seen.

[Harry is working at a video store]
Customer: Excuse me, where can I find Aliens?
Harry: Nowhere! Not here, that’s for sure. Nobody here but us humans. [in a nervous sing-song voice] La, la, la… la, la, la. [a beat] Stop looking at me!

Angry Dick

Patty Muller: I don’t envy you having to take care of three men; I only got Frank and he’s a full-time job. Just once, I’d like to see that man pick up a sock.
Sally: I’d like to see men put their dirty dishes in the sink.
Patty Muller: I’d like to see them do laundry.
Sally: [deadpan] I’d like to see them crammed between two steel wheels and ground into a fine paste.
Patty Muller: [after a beat] You know, I’d like to see that myself.
Sally: You let me know.

[Frank and Dick have had a fight]
Dick: Why are you suddenly so civil?
Frank Muller: Now we know each other’s boundaries. You know my limits, I know your limits, so now we can respect each other.
Tommy: Wait, let me see if I’ve got this straight. In order to gain each other’s respect, you had to resort to violent confrontations. Now doesn’t that strike you as stupid?
Frank Muller: [after a beat] Kids, huh?
Dick: They don’t understand the world.

The Dicks They Are A-Changin’

Mary: They opened a Hard Rock Café in Vietnam. The world’s changed, huh?
Dick: It certainly has. Did you know it used to be entirely covered with ice?

[Reminiscing about the 60’s]
Mary: Did you ever drop acid?
Dick: [misunderstanding] Oh, constantly.
Mary: You did a lot of tripping?
Dick: That’s how I dropped the acid.

I Enjoy Being A Dick

Tommy: Sally, I got a question for you. We’ve been on the planet a while now and I’ve just been wondering if we were to tell someone we cared about where we were actually from, do you think it’d be so dangerous?
Sally: No, not at all, Tommy. In fact I’ve already told Mrs. Dubcek and the mailman, uh, and a nice guy down at the mini-mall, BECAUSE I WANT US ALL TO DIE LIKE LAB RATS AT THE HANDS OF PRIMITIVE SCIENTISTS!!!

Harry: I want to make the world a better place. I want to give mankind the gift… of electricity.
Tommy: They have electricity.
Harry: Ah, then my work is done!

Dick Like Me

Mr Randell: Well, uh, the truth is that, uh, I think Tommy could do a lot better.
Dick: Be careful sir. You’re talking about the creature I’ve come to think of as my son.

[about Tommy’s teacher, Mr Randell]
Sally: He’s giving off this vibe? Can’t you feel it?
Dick: Yes I think I do. Does it feel like a stabbing pain in your left buttock?
Sally: Uh, no.
[Dick reaches under his chair]
Dick: Then I appear to be sitting on a tack.
[Holds up a tack]

Assault With A Deadly Dick

Dick: What kind of a place is this where you can’t wave handfuls of money around in the middle of the night?

Dick: Okay, let’s get this straight; I don’t care how much it costs, I don’t care how difficult it is to accomplish, I want a security system that will guarantee every moment of our lives will be filled with a sense of absolute safety and contentment.
Salesman: That would be the ElectroFort 2000. The alarm connects directly to our command center downtown, where we immediately dispatch trained patrol men to your door.
Sally: I see. I just have one question.
Salesman: Sure.
Sally: Where do I bury my family after the burglars have pumped bullets into their skulls while your guys are strolling over?

Don: Okay Mr. Solomon. It’s time to finger your perp.
Dick: (points to Mary) Believe me I’ve tried but she just won’t let me.

Father Knows Dick

Dick: You’ve got a thing in your head.
Harry: A thing?
Dick: Cranial micro receiver chip.
Harry: In my head.
Dick: But it’s not in the part you use; it’s in your brain.

Dick: Tomorrow there will be a pop quiz on the effects of thermodynamics. Remember it’s a pop quiz; if you study, I’ll know!

Harry: What matters most is life itself. And the greatest thing about life is not having a purpose; it’s about finding a purpose.

Selfish Dick

Sally: I’ve seen stuff that would make your eyes burst out of your sockets and splatter against the wall… in fact, I’ve seen that, too.

Dick: A terrible injustice has been done.
Professor Suter: What?
Dick: [raising his voice] I said a great injustice has been done!
Professor Suter: [annoyed] I heard you. What’s the big injustice?
Dick: Someone has taken something that rightfully belongs to you.
Professor Suter: What?
Dick: [raising his voice] I said someone has taken something that rightfully belongs to you!

See Dick Run

[Dick meets his replacement for the first time]
Dick: You! You’re gorgeous!
[Dick is locked in an invisible box and feels the walls]
Dick: Oh my God! He’s turned me into a mime!

[after learning that the “family” are returning to their home planet]
Dick: I wish I had a machine that could freeze time…
[Mary looks at him questioningly]
Dick: Unfortunately, I left it in my other jacket.

Season 2

See Dick Continue to Run: Part I

Tommy: You work at the university.
Evil Dick: [smugly] Ah, so I run the university.
Tommy: Well, not so much run as teach a physics class.
Evil Dick: I’m a teacher? Were all the janitor’s jobs taken?

Evil Dick: You see, I am building the greatest incubator these puny humans have ever known. And when it is completed, I will spawn my own private army of —
[The crew stares at him apprehensively]
Evil Dick: Of… fuzzy Easter chicks.

See Dick Continue to Run: Part 2

Evil Dick: Watch the destruction my little device wreaks on the world you love so well.
Dick: [outraged] What have you done to our toaster?

Dick: Oh, Mary! You have to get away from here!
Mary: You want me to try to escape?
Dick: Yes!
Mary: [pretending to struggle] Oh, let me go, let me go! How’s that?

Hotel Dick

[Dick wants to tell Mary that he’s an alien, but the others forbid it]
Sally: Well fine, but let it be on your own head!
Tommy: Which will probably be sitting next to our heads on a tray somewhere in New Mexico!

Harry: [to people who haven’t yet seen a movie] Attention, ticket holders! At the end of the movie, when the President turns out to be an alien and he barbecues all the Congressmen, don’t believe it because aliens hate barbecue!

Harry: I say we hold an alien pride parade!

Tommy: You’re gonna be like some sort of alien Martin Luther King?
Harry: Exactly. Because I, too, have a dream. And in that dream I’m naked on a ferris wheel.

Big Angry Virgin From Outer Space

Sally: The worst part is I’m still a virgin!
Mary: Oh my God, you’re a virgin?
Sally: Yes, it’s horrible!
Mary: No, it’s perfectly all right for you to save yourself for the right man.
Sally: Like you did for Dick?
Mary: [a shocked look on her face, after a long pause] Yes.

Tommy: People change for their lovers all the time. For example, I stopped wearing Old Spice and August stopped telling me to stop wearing Old Spice.

[Mary consoling Sally after her break up]
Mary: . . . I like you Sally.
Sally: I didn’t know you liked me
Mary: Well I do, you’re strong, opinionated, intelligent young woman, unpredictable at time, a little scary, but hell that’s you.
Sally: That is me, I like me too, but why didn’t Mr. Randall?
Mary: Well he’s just not the right guy for you, but you’ll find someone, I mean just look at you: those legs, that hair…
Sally: Please I’ve been dragged through the muck enough today!
Mary: Just chop this up to experience.
Sally: Thanks Dr. Albright, you’re so nice. I always thought you were such a bitch.
Mary: Oh I am. But hell, that’s me.

Much Ado About Dick

Tommy: Harry, I need a ride.
Harry: Nope.
Tommy: You know, I outrank you.
Harry: In that case… no, sir!

[Harry is watching “Looney Tunes” and Tommy wants a ride from him]
Tommy: I’ll tell you what: if the Road Runner wins this next one, you take me, but if he doesn’t… I’ll never ask you again.
Harry: Okay, you’re on. I’ve seem this next scheme before and it’s far too brilliant to fail twice.

Dick the Vote

Dick: What’s the point of having a democracy, if everybody’s going to vote wrong?

Gansmiller: [about Harry] Damn! No past, no experience, no record… the perfect candidate.

Fourth and Dick

Dick: Badgers don’t suck! They bite!

Dick: Ah, yes, the “big game.” God forbid your intellectual development should get in the way of the “big game.” The fate of humanity rests on the outcome of the “big game.”
Bug: Is he being sarcastic?

World’s Greatest Dick

Tommy: I’ve got to be in a regular school; one with metal detectors and pregnant cheerleaders.

Dick: I’m banned? Well guess what, Tommy didn’t even want to come to this robot-factory-outlet. I made him. Me! Me! Me! Now I’m putting him back into a real school, where he can be himself. Not a school where kids are judged on how well they test or much they know. Where they aren’t judged at all! Where they have the freedom to stay faceless and nameless. From K through twelve, carrying their diplomas straight through the golden arches, and on into their waiting McJobs! C’mon, Tommy, we’re going home.

My Mother The Alien

[Mrs. Dubcek wants the aliens to babysit her grandson]
Mrs. Dubcek: He’s had his nap and he’s just been changed.
Sally: What was he before?

Mrs. Dubcek: He’s got teeth coming in.
Harry: Well, don’t worry; we’ll sign for them.

Gobble, Gobble, Dick, Dick

Dick: [explaining Thanksgiving] It’s a national holiday.
Tommy: What, like Big Giant Head Day?
Dick: Similar…except that no one gets thrown into the sun.

[Tommy picks up two pool balls, holds them in the air and then drops them so they land back on the table]
Tommy: Excuse me, this game’s not three-dimensional, is it?

Dick Jokes

Tommy: Okay, could you give me an example of what’s funny?
August: I thought the movie Emma was very funny.
Tommy: What was so funny about it?
August: It was full of irony.
Tommy: Okay, so irony’s funny?
August: Yeah, because you say one thing while the opposite is actually true.
Tommy: Oh, like when you said Emma was going to be a really great movie when it actually sucked out loud?

Harry: I lost more than a coat, Tommy. I lost a friend — a buddy — a companion who kept me warm when it was cold and warmer when it was kind of too hot to be wearing a coat.

Jolly Old St. Dick

Dick: Who needs Christmas anyway? I say bug humbar.

Nina: You know, this is the only time of year I like White music.

Proud Dick

Harry: Thank you for seeing me, Father. I didn’t know where else to turn.
Priest: Well, that’s why they pay me the big bucks.

Dick: Welcome to Rusty’s. How may I serve you?
Customer: How do you make your burgers?
Dick: Excellent question. First, a clamp comes down onto the cow’s head, forcing it onto a conveyor belt, where a prod is inserted into the cow’s rectum, electrocuting it.
Customer: Gimme two.
Dick: Thank you, and remember: at Rusty’s, E-coli is not on the menu.
Doug: Stop saying that!

Romeo & Juliet & Dick

Officer Don: Hamlet? The story is as old as time: Pretty boy son has a rich daddy and a good-looking mommy. The uncle knocks off daddy, marries mommy and he cuts pretty boy out of the action. So junior goes crazy and he kills them all. Not a pretty story… but there it is.
Tommy: Isn’t that the plot to The Lion King?

Dick: You were good: you had delivery, presence, timing, you just didn’t have that indefinable something extra.
Tommy: I was just trying to score some points with my girlfriend, is that too much to ask?
Dick: Romeo and Juliet is a Shakespearian tragedy, it has nothing to do with a horny teenager and his girlfriend!

Guilty as Dick

Mary: Have a little compassion, Sally. We’re healthy; we have to help him.
Sally: I say he’s lame. Shoot him.

[Tommy is selling chocolate door-to-door and he encounters a priest at one door]
Tommy: Hi, Father, I’m selling chocolate so the high-school band can go to Washington… and learn about Christianity…so they can become priests.
[The priest closes the door in Tommy’s face]
Tommy: Fine then; they’ll stay here in Rutherford and worship Satan!

A Dick on One Knee

Michael: You see, I would like to stay very much, but your government isn’t so nice.
Sally: Except for Abraham Lincoln, right?

Sally: It’s what women are supposed to do; get married, have babies, hire total strangers to raise them and then wonder where they went wrong.

Same Old Song and Dick

Sally: You could never handle my job.
Harry: I could do it with my eyes closed!
Tommy: You do everything with your eyes closed.

I Brake for Dick

Tommy: [about August] I don’t understand her.
Sally: What’s to understand? Kill her and get a new one.
Harry: Oh, no, you can’t do that. You’ve got to get a new one and then you kill her.

Sally: The Official Boy Scouts’ Guidebook. Who’re the Boy Scouts?
Harry: They’re an elite, prepubescent, paramilitary society and I’m going to follow their ways.
Sally: But Harry, you’re neither elite nor prepubescent.
Harry: All in good time, Sally… all in good time.

Dick Behaving Badly

Harry: [while playing Monopoly] Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 and do not, I repeat do not drop the soap.

Dick: I’m tired of feeling like a Catholic schoolboy always getting his knuckles rapped by the nun he’s dating.

[Judith and Mary during Physics party]
Judith: Men, can’t live with them, [Long Pause] good night Mary. [She leaves]


Dick: What’s going on?
Nina: Oh, she’s having a big affair.
Dick: What? You tramp!
Mary: Dick, it’s a catered affair.
Dick: You’re cheating on me and your diet?

Dick: I don’t mean to panic anyone, but I’m afraid the calamari has been infested with baby squid.

Sensitive Dick

Dick: Where would we be without the agitators of the world to attach the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance?

Judith: We will now deliberate and return with a guilty verdict.

Will Work For Dick

Dick: You’ll only have to perform the most basic of tasks. You’ve sent out mail before.
Harry: Nope.
Dick: Well, you’ve stapled before…
Harry: I have not.
Dick: Surely you’ve used a paperclip.
Harry: Oh! You mean those cotton things you put in your ears?
Dick: Harry, how many fingers am I holding up?
Harry: Two!
Dick: You’re hired.

Dick: Harry, did I get any phone calls?
Harry: Oh, yes, it rang repeatedly.
Dick: And… who called?
Harry: Well, I don’t know, Dick, I’m not clairvoyant.

Mary: Does this mean you’ve come to your senses and you’re going to apologize to Nina?
Dick: No, I will never come to my senses!

Fifteen Minutes of Dick

Tommy: Sally, they want you to appear on Good Afternoon, Rutherford.
Harry: That’s my second-favorite show!
Dick: What’s your first-favorite?
Harry: Good Morning, Rutherford.

Dick and the Single Girl

Dick: Can we take more than one?
Nina: Take as much as you want! Nobody’s going to be at this thing.
Mary: Don’t be so insensitive.
Nina: [to Dick] Yeah, shame on you!

A Nightmare on Dick Street: Part 1

Sally: Don, what happens to people? Are they born mad or do one day their minds just snap?
Officer Don: If only we knew, Sally. One minute little Johnny Normal is on his paper route and the next there’s a pile of dead bank guards and Johnny is using Grandma as a human shield.

A Nightmare on Dick Street: Part 2

[Dick and Sally are doped out on antidepressants]
Sally: I like TV.
Dick: Me too. Let’s say we turn it on. [he turns it on]
Sally: It’s even better on.

Season 3

Fun with Dick and Janet: Part 1

Dick: Oh, Mary! I’ve just had one of those horrible dreams!
Mary: Well what happened?
Dick: We were getting married!
Mary: [sarcastically] Thank you…
Dick: No, that was the good part. Then, my family showed up.
Mary: Oh, don’t tell me? They objected?
Dick: Well…they had issues.
Mary: It’s alright. I prepared a short speech just in case they did. It’s just basically two words… and one of them’s “off.”

[in his classroom]
Dick: Thank you Leon. You’ve made it all so clear! I’ve got to learn to let go, to move forward and focus on the thing that is most important in my life….MEEE!

Fun with Dick and Janet: Part 2

Harry: Look at the bright side, Dick: with Janet out of the way, maybe you’ll get another shot at Albright.
Dick: You think?
Harry: Probably no. But hey, at least there’s still the three of us.
Dick [slight pause]]: Wait, didn’t there used to be four of us?
Harry: Oh, yeah! Officer Don called. “Tommy’s in jail.”
[Brief pause.]
Dick, Sally, Harry: JAIL? [They panic and run out of the apartment.]
Dick: You idiots!

[Sally and Harry run into the police station.]
Sally: Don! Where’s Tommy?
Officer Don: Oh, you’re too late.
[Harry screams. Sally grabs Don by the throat.]
Sally: You killed Tommy?!
Officer Don: No, I let him go!
Sally: You let Tommy go to his death?
[Harry screams again. Tommy suddenly appears right behind him.]
Tommy: Hey, Harry.
[Harry turns around and shouts again at the sight of Tommy.]

Tricky Dick

Dick: Women.
Tommy: Women.
Officer Don: Women.
Harry: [high-pitched voice] Women!
Dick: You can’t live with ’em and you can’t have heterosexual sex without ’em.
Harry: That’s probably true.

Dick: Women always act so adult, but just like that they’ll sink all the way down to your level.


Dick: I want to make a good impression on Mary’s parents.
Sally: Mary Albright‘s parents?
Tommy: They’re still alive?:
Sally: My God, they must be so old!

Scaredy Dick

[Harry is dressed as an alien for Halloween]
Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, Harry, you’re an alien.
Harry: NO, I’M NOT! [realizing his costume] I mean, yes, I am.

[Dick goes to a Halloween party as a pirate]
Partygoer: Ahoy, matey. Where are your buccaneers?
Dick: Under my buckin’ hat.

Moby Dick

Dick: Why should I be concerned about gaining weight? My body is just the vehicle that carries my brain around – and my brain deserves a smooth, luxurious ride.

[Dick is putting on a corset to become thinner]
Sally: What’s that?
Dick: It’s called the ‘Shatner.’

[Sally is talking to her plant]
Sally: You hungry? Oh, I know you–you wouldn’t say anything if you were.
[she pours some of her Coke into the pot]
Sally: You’re so nice. You’re not at all arrogant or demanding like most people I know.
Tommy: You must be bored out of your mind.
Sally: Actually, I’m not.
Tommy: I was talking to the plant.

[Harry, with a camera, sneaks up behind August in school to get a photo of her]
August (noticing Harry): Harry?
Harry: I am not Harry.
August: What are you doing here? And what’s with the camera?
Harry: What camera?

Dick: My pants fit! I won the war!
Harry: That’s great, Dick! So you lost weight?
Dick: Even better – I bought bigger pants!

Eleven Angry Men and One Dick

Dick: Maybe you’ll all change your tune when you hear about something called… ‘reasonable doubt.’
Juror #1: What’s the point?
Dick: The point is it’s reasonable to assume Foster used the money to pay for his daughter’s life-threatening operation.
Juror #2: No, it isn’t.
Juror #3: He doesn’t have a daughter.
Juror #1: It’s not reasonable doubt if you just make things up!

[Jury selection]
Prosecuting lawyer: Do you believe everything you read in the newspaper?
Dick: Yes! No! I don’t know what I believe anymore! You tell me what to believe and I’ll do it!
Prosecuting lawyer: He’s fine with me.
Defense lawyer: Me, too.

A Friend in Dick

Dick: I’m not finger-pointing… [points at Mary]…but it’s YOUR fault! YOU!

Seven Deadly Clips

Tommy: This ice cream is delicious.
Harry: [looking at the box] Actually, it’s ‘sinfully delicious.’ I would gladly go to Hell for a pint of this.

Tom, Dick and Mary

Dick: Nina, who is this ‘Tom’ that Mary keeps talking about?
Nina: I don’t know, and it’s none of my business.
Dick: It’s none of my business and I’m obsessed with it!
Nina: That’s typical. Why is it that men think that when you plant the flag, you own the mountain.
Dick: I spent two years climbing that mountain, and I’m not about to let some guy yodel on it!

Mary: Most people dismiss non-literate cultures.
Tommy: Well, we live in one.

Jailhouse Dick

Officer Don: Here, sign this.
Eddie: What is it?
Officer Don: Oh, it just absolves us of any wrongdoing in arresting you without reason and without any evidence. It’s standard.

Dick: Eddie, you stole my car, but more importantly, you broke my heart. You wanna know what’s worse?
Eddie: What?
Dick: That you stole my car.

36! 24! 36! Dick!: Part 2

Tommy: We don’t have cell phones; we’re from Ohio!

Harry: (to Tommy and Dick) Boys, we’re going to San Francisco!
Mascha: San Diego!
Harry: San Diego!

Pickles and Ice Cream

Dick: Nina, here are the keys to my Rambler. Take it somewhere and have my tires rotated.
Nina: That’s not in my job description.
Dick: What is in your job description?
Nina: Typing.
Dick: Okay, well, type it into your job description and have it done by lunch.

Mary: I think it’s unfair that you demand Sally do whatever you want as if you were… king of the universe!
Dick: Oh, please! We look nothing alike.

Auto Erodicka

Sally: Don’t listen to him, he’s just a kid.
Salesman: Oh, don’t worry. I used to be a kid myself… a long time ago. [laughs] Say there, sport, you like girls?
Tommy: Yeah. Sorry.

Portrait of Tommy as an Old Man

[Harry has taken over Tommy’s job as Information Officer]
Dick: Harry, write this down. I need you to find a place–
Harry: W-w-wait. [writes] I…need…you…to…find…
Dick: Harry, forget writing it down. Just memorize it. I need you to find-—
Harry: W-w-wait. [puts finger to forehead] I…need…you…to…find…
Dick: Harry, forget memorizing it. Just listen to me. I need you to find a place for Mary to sing. Harry?
Harry: Oh, sorry, I was thinking about cake.

Stuck with Dick

Dick: The library’s closed on Saturday?
Mary: Dick, this — is — not — a — good — school!

Nina: Where’s Dr. Albright?
Tommy: Well, we’re not sure, but we think she’s having sex with Dick in an unknown location.
Nina: Oh my God, what is she thinking?
Tommy: What’s she thinking? What is he thinking?
Nina: Okay, can we just agree they’re both freaks?
Tommy: Yeah!

My Daddy’s Little Girl

George Albright: [entering Mary’s office] Mary.
Mary: Daddy!
George Albright: Hey there, magpie.
Mary: What a nice surprise.
George Albright: Well, not really… I’ve left your mother.
Mary: Again?

Eddie: Just a couple of rules: don’t curse and don’t spill nothing and if you spill something, don’t curse.

The Physics of Being Dick

Dick: How about a new strategy? What about “sad cop, slightly effeminate cop?”

Dick: And what makes that cop’s gun so cool? PHYSICS! Kinetic energy generates the velocity with which the bullet exits the barrel, while the ballistics coefficient and sectional density determine the damage to its targets! Guns don’t kill people, PHYSICS kills people!

Just Your Average Dick

Sally: It says here the average American uses 4.1 pounds of butter a year.
Tommy: Orally?

Sally: I’m part of a community–a community that embraces wholesome, American values. And if you cross us… we will destroy you.

Dick and the Other Guy

Mary: This is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth!
Dick: Once again I come in second.

Dick: Dr. Neesam, I find you to be pompous, judgmental and completely self-absorbed. Would you be my friend?
Liam: We’ll see.

Liam: Your head is like a cookie. I just want to eat it.

Sally and Don’s First Kiss

Mary: So you’re going to let this woman control your life?
Dick: No, just the lunch part. [a beat] My favorite part.

The Tooth Harry

Harry: [to Nina] Don’t worry, Nina. I won’t let anyone else hurt you.
Dentist: Don’t forget about your appointment on Friday, Nina.
Harry: Until Friday.

[Harry left twenty dollars under Nina’s pillow as payment from the Tooth Fairy for the four wisdom teeth she lost. Just as they’re about to have sex, Nina finds the money.]
Nina: What’s this?
Harry: Oh, you weren’t supposed to find that ’till tomorrow morning.
Nina: You left me twenty bucks?
Harry: Well, yeah, that’s the going rate, isn’t it?
Nina: Going rate?!
Harry: Yeah, five bucks a pop; that seems pretty reasonable to me.

Eat, Drink, Dick, Mary

[the Solomons confront Tommy about his cooking skills]
Sally: I can’t believe it! You can cook!
Harry: You
Tommy: No, no, I can’t cook! I swear!
Dick: Well, then how do you explain this? (indicates oregano and rosemary on the table)
Tommy: This, uh…is marijuana!
Dick: This whole time we’ve been eating her slop, and you’re a damn gourmet!!
Tommy: No, no, it’s pot! I swear! I smoke it with my friends. I like to… toke up on the..fat daddies…uh…dude…
Sally: Ugh, I blame myself. How could I have missed all the signs? I mean, just last month I was doing laundry and I found a measuring spoon in his pants.
Dick: I was as blind as you, Sally. At the mall, he said he was going to the comic book store, but I saw him coming out of the Williams and Sonoma!
Harry: (picks up vial of white powder) Oh, Tommy! (opens, tastes what’s inside) it’s confectioner’s sugar!
Dick: Confectioner’s sugar? So you’ve been baking, too?! (hugs Sally) Look what your selfishness has done to Sally! Get out of my sight!
Tommy: (starts to leave)
Dick: Oh, but first, make me a spinach and fennel frittata.
Sally: (nods) Yeah, me too.

Randy: I think you’re Harry.
Harry: Well, I think you’re hairy!

[Don is telling a story]
Officer Don: And then I said to the robber, “Not your pants, the gun!” [everyone laughs] Yeah… that didn’t really happen.

Season 4

Power Mad Dick

[the Solomons have a repairman over]
Dick: Sally, you seein’ Don today?
Sally: Seein’ him? I’m losing my virginity to him!
Repairman: You know, I can come back.

Harry: I’ll never forget the time I lost my virginity to ol’… what’s-her-name over at… the place. Magic.

Collect Call for Dick

Harry: Dubcek’s threatening to make me work it off and I don’t think she’s talking about mowing the lawn.

“The Columbian”: Oh, I got top dollar–I got better than top dollar.
Dick: Well then, by default, wouldn’t that become top dollar?

Mary: Hey Dick. What’s with all the Rusty burgers?
Dick: Ah, well I’m just uh, preparing box lunches for the homeless.
Mary: Why are putting all of the food in the trash?
Dick: It makes them more comfortable. Mary- you can be so insenitive!

What’s Love Got to Do, Got to Do with Dick?

Eric: I’m waiting to get into the K-9 unit.
Sally: Aw, what’s the hold up?
Officer Don: Well, our- our dog ran away. But we’re putting up fliers.

D3: Judgment Day

Dick: Oh, I miss those days with Mary. Breakfast in bed, lunch in the bed. Changing the sheets… ’cause there’s food in the bed.

Indecent Dick

Dick: Harry, are you naked or am I seeing things?
Harry: Actually it’s a little of both.

Pitman: We all came into this world naked.
Dick: Well, I didn’t.

Dick Solomon of the Indiana Solomons

Harry: Ah, the mail! What would a day on Earth be like without the mail?
Tommy: Probably a lot like Sunday.

Mary: What did your father tell you about the family?
Dick: Not a lot. He, uh… lost his mouth in the war.

Dick and Taxes

Mary: You wanted to see me, Dick?
Dick: Oh, Mary, thank God! I wanted to show you that if you mix up the letters in your last name, it spells “lab right!”
Mary: Okay, but wh-what was the emergency that couldn’t wait another second that made me… get off the phone with Chancellor?
Dick: Lab right!

[filling out tax forms]
Dick: Line 14, “other gains or losses.”
Tommy: I gained two pounds.
Sally: I lost my virginity.

Sally Forth

Officer Don: Sally, I’m a cop. I’ve got keen instincts. And right now, my instincts are telling me that… I don’t know what the hell is going on.


Tommy: It’s like watching Entertainment Tonight in Carnegie-frickin’-Hall!

Alien Hunter

Dick: [while gagged, mumbling on the telephone to Judith] Mmmph!
Judith: [sarcastically, alternating between Dick’s mumblings] Oh, yeah. Oh, baby. I’m hot now. Do me. Do me all night. I know it’s you, Dick. [hangs up]
Dick: Damn!

Officer Don: The F.B.I. are coming into town tomorrow.
Dick: What for?
Officer Don: That’s classified.
Tommy: You have no idea, do you?
Officer Don: That’s also classified.

Dick vs. Strudwick

Nina: You think you’re the smartest man on the planet, don’t you?
Dick: For the thousandth time, YES!
Vincent Strudwick: So… what’d you think of the book?
Dick: As bathroom fare? A triumph!

Dick’s Big Giant Headache: Part 1

Dick: Families don’t refer to each other by rank. They use more familiar terms like “you” or “bastard” or… “you bastard.”

Big Giant Head: The yelling will cease and the killing will commence!

Season 5

Episode I: the Baby Menace

[the aliens are looking for Vicki’s hybrid alien baby in the nursery]
Tommy: Which one is it?
Dick: It must be him – it’s hideous.
Man: Hey, that’s my daughter!
Dick: I’m so sorry; she’s hideous.

Dick for Tat

Mary: I am so hungover!
Dick: Oh! Well, Mary, that’s just nature’s way of telling you what a tramp you are.

The Fifth Solomon

[the Solomons are angry at Dick because he crashed the car]
Dick: Hey, be thankful I wasn’t killed!
Sally: Yeah, because then we’d have to hitch a ride to your funeral, BECAUSE YOU WRECKED OUR FREAKIN’ CAR!

Officer Don You have to have insurance!
Dick: Why? It’s just a bet against myself! The only way I can win my money back is by getting horribly injured.

Dick And Tuck

[Looking at himself and a picture of himself and Harrison Ford]
Dick: Oh my god! I’m hideous!

Sex and the Sally

Harry: Sally, I’m starving. What’s for dinner?
Sally: Oh, I made you some hamburgers–they’re down at the hamburger place. All you have to do is go there, order them, and pay for them.

Charitable Dick

Dick: We can make little differences; we just can’t make global differences.
Harry: Can we blow up the Earth?
Dick: You see, that’s a global difference.
Harry: It’s so hard to keep track of all this.

The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary

Dick: Why do these people get to have their life stories in the paper? What makes them so special?
Nina: Those are the obituaries.
Dick: Well, I want one about me!
Nina: Hopefully soon.

Gwen, Larry, Dick and Mary

Larry: I’ve never noticed it before, but you look capable of violence.
Dick: [picking up a chair] I’ll show you who’s capable of violence!

Rutherford Beauty

[Dick is fantasizing about Nina during his class’s exam]
Leon: [sees Dick kissing an imaginary person] Dr. Solomon, what are you doing?
Dick: …I said no talking, Leon. You fail!

[after Mary receives an exercise video as a present from Dick]
Mary: Here’s a little “gift-giving” tip: When you give someone a bouquet of flowers, that tells them “Our love goes on forever.” When you give somebody an exercise video that tells them “Your ass goes on forever!”

Dick Strikes Out

Dick: I’m sorry, there is simply no room in the budget for raises. But I can go you one better: promotions! Sally, you are now Senior Security Officer.
Sally: That’ll look good on the ol’ résumé!
Dick: Tommy, you are now Senior Information Officer.
Tommy: It’s about time!
Harry: What about me?
Dick: Harry, you are now… Harold.
Harry: Champagne for everyone!

Mary: [referring to Dick] I wouldn’t be caught dead going out with that scab.
Dick: Well, couldn’t you put a band-aid over it?

Frankie Goes to Rutherford

[Dick has entered the office wearing a tight-fitting construction worker’s outfit and a tool belt]
Dick: Whaddaya think, Nina? Ya like beefcake?
Nina: Not from your funky bakery. [winks]

The Big Giant Head Returns Again: Part 1

Vicki Dubcek: [about Harry’s new girlfriend Janice] You don’t like her as much as me, do you?
Harry: Oh, no!… More.

Dick: Are you going to kill me?
Big Giant Head: Of course not; you’re my designated driver.

The Big Giant Head Returns Again: Part 2

Vicki Dubcek: How dare you use your flesh to trick me!
Harry: Well, that’s what it’s there for.

[after finding out his father was “the Big Head”]
Dick: I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to feel. Who am I?
Harry: Well, let me see, your first name is Dick… your new last name is Head… I guess that would make..
Dick: Oh My God!

Season 6

Fear and Loathing in Rutherford

Strudwick: My daughter just ran off with your ragamuffin son!
Dick: “Ragamuffin”?! Sally, throw him out; Harry, bring me a dictionary.


Tommy: [about a movie Harry has seen] How was it? I heard there was an awesome shower scene.
Harry: Oh, yeah…but then this naked girl got in and you could barely see the shower.

Dick Digs

Tourist: Excuse me, we’ve been driving around for hours. Do you know of any hotels that have rooms?
Harry: I believe that all hotels have rooms.

The Thing That Wouldn’t Die: Part 2

Mary: [concerned] I think there’s something wrong with Dick.
[Nina and Judith stare blankly at her]

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Season DVD Release Schedule



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Avatars and Icons from the TV series The 4400.

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Quotes from the TV series The 4400.

Maia Rutledge: I don’t wanna know things before they happen. I wanna be normal.
Diana Skouris: Normal? Who’s normal anyway?
Maia Rutledge: You.
Diana Skouris: Me? Well, let me tell you something about normal people like me. They just wish they were special, like you.

Diana Skouris: Mister Tyler, I know you’re trying to protect your family. But you have to realize that by staying here, you could be putting yourself in serious danger.
Richard Tyler: Maybe. But you know, I was born in 1922 – in Missouri. And my skin was black then as it is now. So I’ve had to worry about fire bombings, and lynchings and beatings my entire life. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s this. Eventually a man’s gotta take a stand. I’m making mine right here.

Shawn Farrell: Me and 4,399 of my closest friends popped out of a ball of light right about here.

Richard Tyler: [to Lily] I’d give up another 53 years if it meant finding you again.

Shawn Farrell: [to Jordan Collier] That baby really kicked your ass.

Diana Skouris: [Marco hands Diana the fake version of Maia’s diary of predictions] This is insane. It’s also the nicest thing anybody’s ever done for me.

Matthew Ross: [regarding Liv] You know, becoming involved with her is out of the question.
Shawn Farrell: Advise me all you want about the center, but …
Matthew Ross: You are the center. Everything about you. You cannot afford to have an inappropriate relationship.
Shawn Farrell: Are you kidding me? Jordan Collier was all about inappropriate!
Matthew Ross: All the reason not to repeat his mistakes.
Shawn Farrell: And who exactly is the ideal girl for Shawn Farrell?
Matthew Ross: I’ll tell you when I meet her.

Dr. Max Hudson: If I start to go crazy can you… take care of me?… In the back of the head!
Diana Skouris: You won’t even see it coming… Dr. Hudson?
Dr. Max Hudson: I just gave you permission to blow my head off. You can call me Max.

Diana Skouris: My mother always wanted me to hit it off with a cute doctor, but move again and I’ll pull this trigger.

Jordan Collier: She lies.

Jordan Collier: Close your mouth, Shawn… you’ll draw flies.

Tom Baldwin: “Cult” is what a big congregation calls a little congregation.

Maia Rutledge: Don’t you have something to believe in?
Shawn Farrell: I used to. But now I guess I’ll just have to believe in you.


4400 Characters


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Tom Baldwin

CA federal agent assigned to investigate the 4400, Tom has a personal connection to the case: his nephew, Shawn Farrell, is one of the abductees. At the beginning of season one, Tom’s son Kyle lay comatose in a hospital, and Kyle’s continuing coma has brought Tom closer to his wife Linda, from whom he is estranged. By season two, Tom struggles to maintain a relationship with his son, Kyle. He returns to the field with partner Diana Skouris, working to avert the catastrophe the future warned him about on Highland Beach.

Joel Gretsch stars as Tom Baldwin.


Diana Skouris

A federal agent with a medical and scientific background, Diana is assigned to be Tom’s partner in the investigation of the 4400. She soon develops her own personal connection to the case when she becomes close to a little girl, Maia Rutledge, who is one of the 4400, and takes a huge step in her personal life by officially adopting Maia as her daughter.

Jacqueline McKenzie stars as Diana Skouris.


Dennis Ryland

Supervisor of the federal agency created to investigate and oversee the 4400, Dennis is Tom and Diana’s boss, and is also a lifelong friend of Tom’s. Dennis has been promoted to deputy director of NTAC and now resides in Washington, D.C.

Peter Coyote stars as Dennis Ryland.



Nina Jarvis

Nina Jarvis is the new head of NTAC’s Pacific Northwest Division, replacing the promoted Dennis Ryland.

Samantha Ferris stars as Nina Jarvis.



Jordan Collier

Disappeared in 2002. Although Collier still sufferers from the after effects of his encounter with prenatal Isabelle, the experience, for Jordan was an epiphany. The billionaire has become the self-proclaimed figurehead of the 4400, opening the very first 4400 Center, a place not only for fellow returnees, but ordinary people looking to “unlock” the 4400 within themselves.

Billy Campbell stars as Jordan Collier.


Orson Bailey

Once a partner in an insurance company, Orson disappeared in 1979. He returns to discover that he is now unemployed, his wife is in a nursing home, and that he now possesses an unusual and uncontrollable ability. (Season One).

Michael Moriarty stars as Orson Bailey.



Richard Tyler

A pilot in the Korean War who disappeared in 1951, Richard returned to find love with Lily Moore, the grand daughter of the woman he was engaged to before being abducted. Lily soon learned that she was pregnant and that Richard was the father. The baby was conceived while the two of them were in the future. After fleeing Arcadia estates, Richard and Lily now live with their daughter, Isabelle, in a remote cabin in the woods hiding from Jordan Collier and NTAC.

Mahershalalhazbaz Ali stars as Richard Tyler.


Lily Moore

Disappeared in 1993. Lily returned to find her husband Brian remarried and daughter Heidi believing his new wife to be her biological mother. While in quarantine, Lily met Richard Tyler and fell in love. Lily soon discovered that she was pregnant and that Richard was the father. The baby was conceived while the two of them were in the future. After fleeing Arcadia estates, Richard and Lily now live with their daughter, Isabelle, in a remote cabin in the woods hiding from Jordan Collier and NTAC.

Laura Allen stars as Lily Moore.



Shawn Farrell

Shawn is Tom Baldwin’s nephew, and disappeared in 2001. Once one of the most popular students in his school, he returns to find all of his old friends are now in college, and that his fellow students (except for his next-door neighbor, Nikki Hudson) now regard him warily. Like many of his fellow abductees, Shawn now possesses an amazing ability, in this case to manipulate life-force. Shawn ran away and cut off all contact with his family. He now lives at the 4400 Center where he has become Collier’s protégé, using his power to heal big money clients and generate revenue for the Center.

A Patrick Flueger stars as Shawn Farrell.



Danny Farrell

Danny was 14 when his big brother Shawn disappeared. Now the same age, Danny discovers a new sibling rivalry with his brother Shawn, after Shawn stole girlfriend Nikki away from him. He is now an outspoken opponent of the 4400.

Kaj-Erik Eriksen stars as Danny Farrell.



Nikki Hudson

18-year-old Nikki is the girl-next-door for brothers Shawn and Danny Farrell. Danny has always had a crush on Nikki, and while Shawn was away they became a couple. Upon his return, Shawn becomes part of an uneasy trio as Nikki reaches out to help him adjust to being an outcast in a life that has gone on without him. After Nikki broke up with Danny to be with the newly-returned Shawn, it lead to a fight between the two brothers. Nikki is now away at college.

Brooke Nevin stars as Nikki Hudson.


Kyle Baldwin

After the night his cousin Shawn mysteriously disappeared, Kyle lay in a comatose state with his father Tom keeping vigil at his bedside, until Shawn finally used his 4400 ability to bring Kyle out of a three-year coma. But Kyle, was in fact, not himself. He was inhabited by a being from the future, whose purpose was to warn humanity of a coming catastrophe. Having no recollection of any event that occurred while the future being was inside of him, Kyle spent a year in quarantine under observation. Now released from NTAC, Kyle is ready to catch up on lost time.

Chad Faust stars as Kyle Baldwin.


Maia Rutledge

8-year-old Maia disappeared in 1946. She returns to find both of her parents are now deceased, resulting in her placement in a foster home. Like many of the other abductees, Maia now possesses an unusual gift, and when her ability becomes apparent to her foster family, it causes them to rethink their commitment to taking Maia in. Maia has thus been living with Diana for the past year, and has recently been adopted as her daughter. Although the young girl claims that she can no longer predict the future, Maia secretly keeps a journal filled with precognitive visions.

Conchita Campbell stars as Maia Rutledge.

4400 Episode Guide


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Episodes List With Original Air Dates


The 4400 – The First Season

  1. The Return – Part 1 (7/11/2004)
  2. The Return – Part 2 (7/11/2004)
  3. The New & Improved Carl Morrissey (7/18/2004)
  4. Becoming (7/25/2004)
  5. Trial By Fire (8/1/2004)
  6. White Light (8/8/2004)



The 4400 – The Second Season

  1. Wake-Up Call – Part 1 (6/5/2005)
  2. Wake-Up Call – Part 2 (6/5/2005)
  3. Voices Carry (6/12/2005)
  4. Weight Of The World (6/19/2005)
  5. Suffer The Children (6/26/2005)
  6. As Fate Would Have It (7/10/2005)
  7. Life Interrupted (7/17/2005)
  8. Carrier (7/24/2005)
  9. Rebirth (7/31/2005)
  10. Hidden (8/7/2005)
  11. Lockdown (8/14/2005)
  12. The Fifth Page (8/21/2005)
  13. Mommy’s Bosses (8/28/2005)



The 4400 – The Third Season

  1. The 4400: Unlocking the Secrets (Special) (6/4/2006)
  2. The New World – Part 1 (6/11/2006)
  3. The New World – Part 2 (6/11/2006)
  4. Being Tom Baldwin (6/18/2006)
  5. Gone – Part 1 (6/25/2006)
  6. Gone – Part 2 (7/2/2006)
  7. Graduation Day (7/9/2006)
  8. The Home Front (7/16/2006)
  9. Blink (7/23/2006)
  10. The Ballad of Kevin and Tess (7/30/2006)
  11. The Starzl Mutation (8/6/2006)
  12. The Gospel According to Collier (8/13/2006)
  13. Terrible Swift Sword (8/20/2006)
  14. Fifty-Fifty (8/27/2006)

The 4400 – The Fourth Season

  1. The Wrath of Graham (6/17/2007)
  2. Fear Itself (6/24/2007)
  3. Audrey Parker’s Come And Gone (7/1/2007)
  4. The Truth and Nothing but the Truth (7/8/2007)
  5. Try the Pie (7/15/2007)
  6. The Marked (7/22/2007)
  7. Till We Have Built Our Jerusalem (7/29/2007)
  8. No Exit (8/5/2007)
  9. Daddy’s Little Girl (8/12/2007)
  10. One of Us (8/19/2007)
  11. Ghost in the Machine (8/26/2007)
  12. Tiny Machines (9/9/2007)
  13. The Great Leap Forward (9/16/2007)

{jcomments off}

4400 Trivia

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Michael Moriarty and Joel Gretsch also appeared in another sci-fi mini-series titled, “Taken (2002)”. Taken was about people who disappeared and the 4400 is about people who reappear. This has caused many sci-fi fans to comically rename the 4400 TV show with the title, “Put Back”.

The show really could have used a science advisor for the 2-hour (mini) series premiere! Chinese, Russian, and U.S. Titan II missles were fired at the object that “brought back” the 4400 but Titan II missiles were actually put out of service in 1987. The object is said to be 28 minutes from impact with the earth but it only took less than a minute for the missiles to reach the object which was shown to fly past the Moon after the missiles exploded. Missiles don’t fly that fast. Exhaust contrails are shown trailing the missiles in the vacuum of outer space but contrails are formed by an atmosphere. And the object is projected to hit the Earth at 47 degrees North Longitude and 122 or 123 degrees West Latitude but longitude actually denotes East/West degrees and Latitude denotes North/South degrees.

The 4400 TV show was originally produced as a 5-part mini-series. It was so popular with viewers that the USA network decided to say that it was really a TV series, new episodes were ordered, and the original mini-series was refered to as “Season 1”. Because of the mini-series concept, the answer to where the 4400 were during their disappearances is explained during the “First Season”. It’s unlikely that would have been the case if the series was originally intended to be a TV show. So what’s left to make the series exciting? The 4400’s powers and why they have them provide plenty of options for future episodes!

The Pilot Movie was originally supposed to be two individual episodes. The second episode would have been titled, “You Can’t Go Home Again”. USA executives felt that they were so good, that a pilot movie was justified. Apparently, viewers agreed as it got 7.4 million viewers which set a record for the largest audience ever for a series premiere on a basic cable channel!

The 4400 is filmed in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. The weather can get pretty bad there at times and can complicate outdoor filming. The filming of the scene at Buntzen lake where the 4400 returned in the pilot was delayed due to excessive wind, hail, and large amounts of rain for many days.

The Homeland Security Command Center set is a “hand-me-down” with a new paint job from the “Jake 2.0” series.

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